Feed Drop - The Kingmaker Histories
The Kingmaker Histories Feed Drop Transcript
[Title music: rhythmic electronic folk.]
H.R. Owen
Hello friends, Hero here to brighten up our break by introducing you to a fabulous podcast. The Kingmaker Histories is a comedic adventure show about a young woman named Colette who unwittingly becomes the host for a deadly alien power source: the Kingmaker Diamond.
Hunted by a host of enemies looking to use her power for their own gain, Colette has no choice but to join up with a pair of career criminals and travel across Europe on a bizarre road trip as she seeks to get rid of her new lethal head-mate.
Set in a fictional European republic in the years leading up to World War One, The Kingmaker Histories is half fantasy, half crime caper that combines the criminal hijinks of Leverage with the dark, absurdist comedy of A Series of Unfortunate Events.
Strictly speaking, you don't have to listen to the Kingmaker Histories in order. But you will get the most out of it if you start from the beginning. To give you a taste of what you can look forwards to, here's Episode 07 – You'll Never Want to Leave.
If you love it, please check out The Kingmaker Histories wherever you get your podcasts and see the show-notes for their social media links.
[The music fades out.]
Kingmaker Episode 07 – You’ll Never Want to Leave!
SOUND: Typewriter sounds. Contemplative piano music plays underneath the narration.
HISTORIAN: As you, dear listener, are presumably experiencing this history from a technologically advanced period of unprecedented international connectivity, you may be wondering how a mobile operation such as Iyer and Winterlich: General Services managed to stay abreast of new employment opportunities and general goings-on. Well, in a time before the proliferation of telephones, fax machines, and other communication advancements, there was one mainstay of long-distance outreach available: the humble telegram. In order to receive news about jobs, Eisen and Telesphore would regularly stop by the Taurea Post Office to pick up any correspondences that had been left for them.
HISTORIAN: The operator of the Taurea Post Office was a woman named Nikita Jain, whose husband had left her and her three sons in control of the business after his untimely death at the hands, or rather, beaks, of a particularly aggressive flock of pigeons. Like Eisen, her family hailed from the subcontinent, and Nikita was well- known for her wit, her fortitude, and her love of cooking. Though it was technically against policy to hold telegrams longer than a fortnight, she often accepted recipes from Telesphore under the table as payment for going the extra mile.
SOUND: Industrial soundscape, intermittent tram bells continue throughout the scene.
NIKITA: Afternoon, boys. What have you got for me today?
TELESPHORE: Apricot cream biscuits?
SOUND: Telesphore slides a recipe card across her desk.
NIKITA: Sounds delicious. And here are the telegrams I’ve been holding for you.
EISEN: You’re an angel, Nikita.
NIKITA: You always say that. When you start paying for my services with real money, I’ll believe it. So, how have you boys been holding up? And who’s your friend?
EISEN: Oh, her? She’s the new hire. Colette, Nikita, Nikita, Colette.
COLETTE: (awkwardly) Hello.
NIKITA: Why are you keeping your hat on indoors?
COLETTE: Oh! I'm...uh…very religious.
NIKITA: (incredulous) What religion?
COLETTE: ….One of the big ones?
NIKITA: (to Eisen, smirking) Where’d you pick her up?
EISEN: The Seltsamwald.
NIKITA: That follows. What does she do?
EISEN: For the business? Cleaning and stock-taking, mostly.
COLETTE: And repairing your clothes. And rescuing you from being kidnapped that one time.
EISEN: Right, I almost forgot.
SOUND: Telegram opening.
TELESPHORE: Funny you should mention the Seltsamwald, actually. This telegram is from Sorbus.
EISEN: Really? I didn’t think they ran wires out there.
TELESPHORE: Oh, they don’t. It’s far too dangerous. I suppose they must’ve gone into Beaupont to send this. But it says- (clears throat) “Iyer and Winterlich, stop, Job for you in Sorbus, stop. Come before the Spring Equinox, stop.”
HISTORIAN: Sorbus was the only established town in the deep heart of the Seltsamwald. Among academics, its existence is sometimes debated based on the fact that it appears on no maps, despite being referenced in many primary sources of the time. This lack of official documentation is easily explained by the fact that Sorbus is a town populated entirely by the Good Neighbours, and technically, not part of the Republic.
HISTORIAN: While the likes of Telesphore were happy to integrate into human society after being trapped on Earth, others sought to recreate the comforts of their homeland within the one area that closest resembled the Kehrseite. So, the autonomous township of Sorbus was founded. If you ever find yourself lucky enough to see it, it serves as a shining example of perfectly recreated extra-dimensional architecture. And, more notably to the conversation at hand-
EISEN: You have friends living in Sorbus, don’t you?
TELESPHORE: I do; the Seedeaters. They must be the ones who sent this… I haven’t seen them in years.
EISEN: What kind of job could they possibly have for us?
TELESPHORE: I suppose we’ll find out when we get there.
COLETTE: We’re not seriously going back into the Seltsamwald, are we?
TELESPHORE: Well, it’d be nice to catch up with my friends.
COLETTE: Nice enough to risk getting eaten by mantalopes?
TELESPHORE: Oh, come on, we survived the last time.
EISEN: Barely. What day is the spring equinox?
TELESPHORE: Tuesday.
EISEN: So we definitely have time to get there.
COLETTE: Seriously? You’re entertaining the idea?
EISEN: Stop being a baby, we’ll stay in the van this time.
NIKITA: (to Eisen) I see she’s also taken over Telesphore’s role as your verbal sparring partner.
TELESPHORE: (sarcastic) Quite. They’re adorable, aren’t they? (to Eisen) Eisen, darling, don’t listen to her. I know the Seltsamwald is a dangerous place to travel through, but it would mean a lot to me to spend some time with my fellow countrymen. We went to the horrible place that you wanted to visit, so it only seems fair.
EISEN: Alright, I guess I can’t argue with that. See you later, Nikita, unless I die, in which case, it’s been nice knowing you.
NIKITA: Of course. Winterlich, if you end up in a mantelope's stomach, do leave your recipe book to me in your will.
SOUND: Shop bell dinging as they walk out.
TELESPHORE: Naturally.
HISTORIAN: The drive south from Taurea, then down the lonely dirt road through the Seltsamwald to Sorbus, passed mainly without incident. While once the area had been a source of great anxiety to Colette, her increased exposure to the place meant that once they were there, even the eerie Obelos calls and otherworldly buzzing had faded into the background. Still Colette felt a knot of anxiety in her chest as they got closer to their destination.
COLETTE: I’ve never spent time around any of our Good Neighbours. Well, except Telesphore, but he’s basically almost a human.
EISEN: I’m no expert, but I’ve picked up a lot of things about their culture and etiquette over the years. The neighbours are spiteful, and petty, and they’re real spiky towards outsiders, but there are tricks to making them warm up to you. For one thing, they’re vain as hell. If you compliment them enough, they’ll do whatever you want. Watch this.
SOUND: Eisen knocks on the door to the kitchen.
EISEN: (to Telesphore, flirtily) Hey, Telsie, you tasty hunk of ultra-terrestrial humanoid.
SOUND: The multi-door opens.
TELESPHORE: What do you want?
EISEN: Do you think you could help me change the tyres on the van after lunch? I need someone with big strong arms to help me out.
BEAT
TELESPHORE: (falling for it, despite himself) Naturally. I’d never dream of saying no.
EISEN: You’re too good to me. What’s for lunch?
TELESPHORE: Chicken Lyonnaise.
EISEN: Sounds delicious. I can’t wait.
SOUND: The multi-door closes.
EISEN: (to Colette) See? It’s that easy.
COLETTE: Alright, so if I need anything from anyone in Sorbus, flirt with them.
EISEN: But don’t let your guard down. Never accept gifts, or a dance invite, never eat anything they give you unless you know what’s in it, and remember not to say ‘thank you’- that’s as good as legally binding in Kehrseite culture.
COLETTE: So what do you say to them if they do something nice?
EISEN: Find a way to turn thanking them into a compliment as well. “Oh, how kind of you,” “That’s so nice of you to say,” and so on and so forth.
COLETTE: There seem to be a lot of rules for these people.
SOUND: The multi-door opens again.
TELESPHORE: Oh, if you think our etiquette is arcane, wait until you hear about the European royal courts. Lunch is ready, by the way.
HISTORIAN: They stopped briefly to eat, and arrived in Sorbus just before nightfall. The town, like most settlements in the Kehrseite, was ringed by a large stone wall with a single circular opening for travelling in and out. In the absence of crystals, the wall was painted with the glowing sap of the Snakeberry tree, which grew plentiful in the Seltsamwald. The entrance to the town was also manned by a gate guardian, known as a Spriggan, armed with a traditional Kehrseite war axe.
SPRIGGAN: Stop the vehicle right there.
SOUND: The van stops.
SPRIGGAN: What’s your business here?
TELESPHORE: Visiting friends.
SPRIGGAN: And your...pets?
COLETTE: (sarcastic) We’ve had all our shots if that’s what you’re worried about.
SOUND: Telesphore laughs apologetically.
TELESPHORE: Excuse her, she doesn’t know what she’s saying. We’re here to visit the Seedeaters, I’m an old friend of theirs and these are my travelling companions.
HISTORIAN: Telesphore presented the spriggan with the telegram along with their papers, and it seemed to provide sufficient proof.
SPRIGGAN: Alright, step out of the vehicle.
EISEN: What did we do?
TELESPHORE: Nothing, they just don’t allow motor vehicles. We’ll likely be staying in the Seedeater home while we’re here. I’m sure they’ll have room for all three of us.
SOUND: Mysterious fantastical beeps and boops that gives way to the ominous hum of a portal.
SPRIGGAN: Enjoy your stay in Sorbus.
HISTORIAN: The trio walked through the gate and found a small but bustling community of people, all of similar height to Telesphore, with similar glowing eyes. The buildings of the town were a curious mix of very familiar and otherworldly- wooden constructions mixed with bioluminescence, magic, and artificial polymer materials unlike anything available on Earth at the time. Colette tugged self-consciously at her hat, making sure no one would catch a glimpse of the Kingmaker- not that its faint glow through her hair would have been noticeable. Instead of the yellow-orange tint of the gas lamps Colette and Eisen were used to, the streets of Sorbus were bathed in eerie blues and purples.
SOUND: Town square ambience. Hooves, blacksmith making things, people having conversations.
COLETTE: How much further do we have to walk before we get to the Seedeaters’ house? I feel like everyone’s staring at us.
TELESPHORE: They don’t see new faces very often around here.
SOUND: Telesphore knocking on the door to a house.
EISEN: Wait, we’re already here? That doesn’t feel right-
TELESPHORE: Don’t think too hard about geography while we’re here, it’ll drive you insane.
COLETTE: You mean that literally, don’t you?
ALKADIES: (from the other side of the door) Hello? Who is it?
TELESPHORE: It’s Telesphore.
SOUND: The door opens.
TELESPHORE: I got your telegram.
ALKADIES: Winterlich, old friend! It’s been ages. So good of you to come so quickly.
TELESPHORE: Oh, Alkadies, I wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to spend the spring equinox with you. How are the family?
ALKADIES: They’re well, they’re well….actually, they don’t know that you’re coming. But I’m sure Finn and Peregrine won’t mind the surprise. Come inside, please.
HISTORIAN: The Seedeater Family- Alkadies, Finn, and Peregrine, were childhood friends of Telesphore’s, the four of them having grown up together in the same village before all choosing to seek their fortunes across the blur. While Telesphore struck off on his own to become a royal chef, the other three remained together and spent several years working in the textile trade. They travelled back and forth between Earth and the Kehrseite frequently, before the revolution made that travel impossible. The three of them were married to each other, as polyamory was and still is a widely accepted cultural practice among Good Neighbours.
ALKADIES: This will be the first time you’ve visited us in Sorbus since we adopted Peregrine’s niece.
TELESPHORE: Do you mean Clytemnestra? I think I met her once, but it would’ve been decades ago now…she’d be, what, about eighteen?
ALKADIES: Yes, and she’ll be so excited to meet you. Oh, I’m so sorry, I haven’t introduced myself properly to your….?
COLETTE: (cutting in) Travelling companion.
EISEN: (overlapping Colette slightly) Concubine.
TELESPHORE: These are Eisen and Colette, they work with me in the smuggling business.
ALKADIES: Excellent. Now, let me introduce you to the rest of the clan-
SOUND: Footsteps.
HISTORIAN: Alkadies led them down a hallway to a sitting room that seemed much larger than the outside of the house would have suggested. Inside were three more good neighbours, two about Telesphore’s age and one in her late teens. She was sitting by the hearth, and playing the kleahia, an instrument not dissimilar to a harp or a zither.
SOUND: Vivaldi Largo being played on a zither as a fire crackles in a metal fireplace.
ALKADIES: Look who was in the neighbourhood and wanted to drop in on us!
PEREGRINE: Telesphore?
FINN: Oh, my god, how are you? It’s been so long since you came and visited us-
TELESPHORE: I know, I know, but I have a very busy work schedule. Speaking of which, these are my companions, Eisen and Colette.
FINN: Clytemnestra, come say hello to your uncle.
SOUND: She puts the harp down.
CLYTEMNESTRA: Hello, Uncle Telesphore.
HISTORIAN: Clytemnestra Seedeater was the daughter of Peregrine’s brother, who had, three years previous, been killed in a mantalope attack, leaving Peregrine and her partners to take her on as their ward. Although she was a renowned beauty, she was also known to be quite withdrawn and uncomfortable in social situations. All those who met her noted her large, piercing eyes, which were the same shade of glowing lavender as her father and aunt.
TELESPHORE: You’ve become quite the talented musician since I last saw you, Clytemnestra.
CLYTEMNESTRA: It's because I practice. (to Peregrine) Auntie, can I go to my room?
PEREGRINE: Are you sure you wouldn’t like to stay and-
FINN: Oh, darling, she can leave. Let her rest her fingers for a while after all that playing.
CLYTEMNESTRA: Goodnight, auntie, goodnight uncles. (awkwardly, to the humans) It was nice meeting you…happy equinox, unless you don’t celebrate it. Bye.
SOUND: She retreats from the room.
PEREGRINE: Now, we’ve already eaten, but I’d feel terrible not offering you all something since you came all this way.
TELESPHORE: Oh, we only came from Taurea.
PEREGRINE: That’s still far! I insist. Come, join me in the kitchen.
BEAT
TELESPHORE: (with some uncertainty) …Of course! How could we refuse?
SOUND: Pot boiling, kitchen noises.
PEREGRINE: So, how did you all meet each other?
EISEN: Well, I used to be involved with the Feverite party, and after I quit, I ran into Telesphore, who was selling stolen kitchenware from the castle out of the back of his van.
TELESPHORE: He told me he was an artificer, and I figured I’d need one, so I asked if he wanted to be my business partner. We’ve been inseparable ever since.
PEREGRINE: Oh, that’s adorable. And what about you, darling?
COLETTE: Me?
PEREGRINE: Yes.
COLETTE: Well, these two saved me from a mantalope. And then a bunch of other stuff happened, so I live with them, I guess. It’s more interesting than that sounds but I don’t want to go into all the minutia.
EISEN: How do you know Telesphore?
PEREGRINE: Oh, we go way back. We’ve known each other since we were kids. And you wouldn’t believe what a troublemaker he used to be.
SOUND: Peregrine snort-laughs
EISEN: Really?
TELESPHORE: (embarrassed) I wasn’t that bad.
PEREGRINE: Yes you were! Remember that time you convinced me to go with you to steal the herontains from the orchard? I shouldn’t have been surprised you ended up in the smuggling business, you’ve been a thief since day one.
EISEN: (sarcasm) Wow, sounds like you were pure evil as a kid. I’m so glad I met you as an adult.
TELESPHORE: Oh, stop it.
PEREGRINE: Anyway, soup’s on. It’s peppered cerphon- nothing too fancy, but it’ll help you get your strength back after your trip.
SOUND: Food being plated.
HISTORIAN: Here, the trio were presented with their first challenge of their time in Sorbus- the food. While animals like mantelope and cerphon have become fully integrated into Valorian cuisine, Kehrseite plants are wholly unsuitable for human consumption. However, it would have been seen as rude to directly ask if the food contained any poisons. Likewise, refusing food entirely would have been a great offence. So, a degree of delicacy was needed in navigating their first meal in the Seedeater home.
TELESPHORE: Peregrine, that smells fantastic. I simply must have the recipe.
PEREGRINE: It’s very easy, actually! I just take the meat from the flank, coat it in a spice rub of red and black pepper, shallow-fry it in fluxroot oil, and serve it with a salad of chameleon leaf.
SOUND: He cuts a piece and takes a bite.
TELESPHORE: Exquisite.
PEREGRINE: High praise coming from you, Mr. Gourmet Cook.
SOUND: Plates scraping on the table.
EISEN: Oi, what are you doing?
TELESPHORE: (quietly) If we keep switching plates when she has her back turned I can eat all of it and make it look like you’re eating yours.
EISEN: (quietly) Oh, I see.
COLETTE: (quietly) Good idea.
SOUND: Intermittent plates scraping across the table in pauses between lines.
PEREGRINE: So, do you think you’ll stay for the whole of the equinox festival?
TELESPHORE: Oh, no…I don’t think we can. Busy work schedule and all.
COLETTE: But we wish we could stay. We saw a little bit of the town as we walked in, it’s very beautiful.
EISEN: Oh, absolutely. It’s all very….blue. It’s a real sight to behold.
HISTORIAN: The dinner conversation, and the constant plate-swapping, continued for a while, until finally their plates were empty.
EISEN: (lying) That was delicious, you’re a very good cook.
COLETTE: Oh, oh yeah…(she stops herself saying ‘thank you’) tha-a-at was wonderful.. (scrambling for a compliment ) I- uh-I’d love seconds?
TELESPHORE: What?
EISEN: Are you sure?
PEREGRINE: Oh, there’s plenty more! Here you go-
TELESPHORE: (pained) Oh, lucky us.
SOUND: Food being plated. Telesphore sighs resignedly and switches his plate with Eisen’s.
HISTORIAN: After dinner, they returned to the sitting room.
FINN: How about I give you a tour of the place before I show you to your rooms? We’ve redone some of it since you last came over.
ALKADIES: Don’t worry, darling, I can take them. I mean, I’d hate for you to lose your place in that book you’re reading.
FINN: (confused, but rolling with it) Well, alright. Even though you were the one who invited our guests and let them in-
ALKADIES: I promise, I’m not trying to keep them all to myself. You’ll have plenty of time to talk to them tomorrow.
SOUND: Footsteps up the stairs.
ALKADIES: Peregrine and I just finished repairing the stairs, which is fortuitous for you humans because we normally never use them.
COLETTE: Lucky us.
ALKADIES: So, this is the second floor- will you be sleeping in one bedroom?
COLETTE: No, I’d prefer my own.
ALKADIES: Alright, you can take this one, and the boys can take the one next to it. We’ve always got enough room for everyone.
EISEN: It’s very kind of you to offer, Alkadies.
TELESPHORE: Eisen, why don’t you get all our bags in the room? And while you’re at it, you can help Colette with hers.
EISEN: Why is it always my job?
BEAT
EISEN: (groans) Fine. Come on, Colette.
SOUND: Doors opening and closing.
TELESPHORE: Why didn’t you tell them I was coming?
ALKADIES: I’ll explain in the morning. It’ll take more time than I have now, and I don’t want you to go to sleep worrying about it.
TELESPHORE: Well, now I definitely will.
HISTORIAN: Before Telesphore could ask Alkadies any more follow up questions, he had disappeared from the hallway in the brief period where Telesphore wasn’t looking at him.
TELESPHORE: Wonderful.
SOUND: He opens the door and collapses onto the bed.
TELESPHORE: (exhausted) I never want to see a plate of peppered cerphon again in my life.
EISEN: Thank you for your service.
HISTORIAN: It’s unclear why, given the seemingly infinite amount of space available in the Seedeater home, Telesphore and Eisen would make the choice to share the same bed. Perhaps out of habit after being forced to do so in the van for such long periods. Perhaps it was merely a misunderstanding on the part of their bigamist hosts. The true reason is anyone’s guess.
HISTORIAN: In the next room over, Colette was having trouble sleeping, despite the comfortable bed she had been provided. As she had been too nervous to eat much at lunch, and had been unable to eat anything at dinner, her hunger was getting quite impossible to ignore.
SOUND: Colette tosses and turns. Her stomach grumbles. She gets up and walks out into the hallway. Something startles her.
HISTORIAN: She had gotten up with the intention of finding something to eat, but was taken off guard in the hallway by two lavender lights, which it took her a moment to realise were Clytemnestra’s eyes.
CLYTEMNESTRA: Hello.
COLETTE: Hey, uh….Clemetestra.
CLYTEMNESTRA: It’s pronounced Cly-tem-nes-tra.
COLETTE: Sorry. Hey, uh, where’d you get that glass of milk? That is milk, right? Like normal milk, from a cow?
CLYTEMNESTRA: (firmly) It’s not for you.
BEAT
COLETTE: Sorry. Sorry. I’m just gonna- bye.
SOUND: She goes into Eisen and Telesphore’s room. She walks to Eisen’s side of the bed and starts shaking his shoulder.
COLETTE: (whispering) Eisen. (slightly louder) Eisen. (Normal volume) Eisen!
EISEN: What? What do you want?
COLETTE: I’m hungry.
EISEN: What do you want me to do about it?
COLETTE: Come with me to the kitchen, I wanna see if they have anything we can eat in the pantry.
EISEN: Do it yourself.
COLETTE: No, I’ll get lost.
SOUND: Eisen groans and gets up.
EISEN: Oh for the love of- Alright, alright.
HISTORIAN: The two of them carefully made their way down to the kitchen, where they searched through the larder for any recognisable foods.
COLETTE: I found an apple! Wait, never mind. It's flickering. Not a good apple, weird apple.
EISEN: There’s some meat left. Do you think it’s too risky to cook it?
COLETTE: No, I’m desperate. I’ll cut some pieces off of it, and you can …artifice the stove. That’s a normal stove, right? It’s not some weird crystal-based cooking technology?
EISEN: It is not a normal stove…but no worries, we can work around it. I’ve got a lighter, I can use some of this cutlery… let me just get a pan- I think she keeps them in here-
SOUND: Eisen opens the drawer and tries to move one of the pans, but it results in an absolute cacophony.
COLETTE: Shh!
BEAT
COLETTE: Ok, we’re good.
SOUND: Eisen magics together a Macgyvered-up hot plate and the two of them cook some pieces of meat.
HISTORIAN: Even though they couldn’t season the cerphon with anything, it still tasted better than any meat they’d ever eaten, though that could’ve just been because they were both extremely hungry. Colette and Eisen put their cooking implements away and began sneaking back up the stairs.
COLETTE: Shit. Which one of these rooms is mine?
EISEN: It’s the one next to ours, obviously.
COLETTE: And which room is that?
EISEN: It’s um…..uh……Ah, Shit.
COLETTE: I guess we can just try doors until we get the right one.
SOUND: Door quietly being opened and closed.
EISEN: Not that one.
SOUND: Door quietly being opened and closed.
COLETTE: Not that one, either.
SOUND: Door quietly being opened and closed.
EISEN: Wait, how are we going to know which ones we’ve already done? That one opened into the same room I just checked.
COLETTE: Eventually we’ll get there. Let’s try that one next.
SOUND: Door opening. Man coughing.
MAN: Oh, thank god.
COLETTE: Holy hell-
EISEN: Woah, woah-
MAN: You have to help me out of here. I don’t know what day it is, I don’t know how long I’ve been in here, she keeps feeding me milk with snakeberry juice in it.
EISEN: Who’s been feeding you snakeberry milk?
CLYTEMNESTRA: Please don’t tell my aunt about this.
SOUND: Eisen and Colette startle.
EISEN: Hey, Clytemnestra? What’s- uh- what’s this all about?
CLYTEMNESTRA: He’s my man. I found him and he's mine. Don’t be so loud around him. He was sleeping and you woke him up.
MAN: I keep telling you, Clytemnestra, I only like you as a friend. (to Eisen and Colette) I met her in a forest clearing while I was out foraging, she and I started talking and she asked me to fix her harp thing.
CLYTEMNESTRA: And he did such a good job with it that I decided to keep him. Do you want some more snakeberry milk? Are you angry that these people woke you up?
MAN: I’m angry that you have me locked in a closet!
CLYTEMNESTRA: Shhh, drink your milk.
SOUND: Clytemnestra forces the man to drink the milk.
CLYTEMNESTRA: There you go. He loves snakeberry milk.
SOUND: The man spits on the ground, gasping for air.
CLYTEMNESTRA: You won’t be in the closet much longer. (to Eisen and Colette) Auntie doesn’t want me keeping humans in the house. But I’m going to take him with me as a date to the spring equinox festival, then she can get to know him, then she’ll be okay with it.
COLETTE: What about your uncles? Do they know he’s here?
CLYTEMNESTRA: Yeah, they do. Goodnight, my love.
BEAT
CLYTEMNESTRA: So do you want me to show you to your rooms?
COLETTE: Uh…I guess. That would be helpful.
CLYTEMNESTRA: Follow me.
HISTORIAN: And so, Eisen and Colette returned, harrowed, to their respective bedrooms.
SOUND: Descending footsteps.
HISTORIAN: The two of them slept late the next morning, leaving Telesphore to greet the sunrise, and the rest of the house's inhabitants, by himself.
TELESPHORE: Oh, Finn, don’t worry about it- I’ll make breakfast.
SOUND: Telesphore starts cooking.
FINN: You’re cooking for them?
TELESPHORE: Naturally.
FINN: They’ve got you pretty well domesticated, haven’t they?
TELESPHORE: I'm not sure I understand what you mean.
FINN: Sorry, I shouldn’t be rude. After all, it's easy to get attached. Hell, Clytemnestra brought a man home a few days ago. She’s been keeping him in one of the closets and feeding him snakeberry milk.
TELESPHORE: She what?
FINN: I guess you’d agree with Alkadies, then. He says she ought to let the poor fellow go home, that he’s got to be with his own kind or what have you…I think it’s natural for a young person to want companionship. You know, when you think about it, it’s just like you with your artificer friend.
TELESPHORE: It really isn’t. He came with me willingly, we met under normal circumstances.
FINN: (scoffs) ‘Normal circumstances’...If you say so.
SOUND: A brief pause in the conversation. Telesphore continues cooking.
FINN: Do you love him?
TELESPHORE: Yes.
FINN: And the one with the glasses, how about her?
TELESPHORE: …Maybe?
FINN: Be prepared for them to not love you back when they find out about your past-
TELESPHORE: Ah-ah-ah… If.
SOUND: Clytemnestra comes in through the front door.
CLYTEMNESTRA: I got the flowers you wanted for the equinox arrangement. Good morning, Uncle Telesphore.
TELESPHORE: Good morning. I’m cooking breakfast for my humans, do you want a plate for yours?
CLYTEMNESTRA: Uncle Finn told you about that?
TELESPHORE: Yes.
CLYTEMNESTRA: And you’re not going to be weird about it?
TELESPHORE: No.
HISTORIAN: At least, not to her face.
SOUND: The door to Eisen and Telesphore’s room opening and closing.
TELESPHORE: Eisen, I don’t want to alarm you, but I think I know why Alkadies asked us to come here. It’s-
EISEN: -because Clytemnestra has a prisoner in the hall closet.
BEAT
TELESPHORE: Oh, so you know about that?
EISEN: The closet man? Aye, we've seen him.
COLETTE: (entering the room) Oh, are you talking about the closet man? We found him last night when we snuck downstairs to make food.
EISEN: And we’re all agreed, it’s weird.
COLETTE: What are the rules about transporting prisoners in and out of Good Neighbour territory?
EISEN: I don’t know. Telsie, help us out.
TELESPHORE: I don’t know, either. Maybe this isn’t our place.
COLETTE: What are you talking about? Of course it is, it’s why we came here, right?
TELESPHORE: Yes, but our expertise is in smuggling products, not people. Maybe this is something the family will have to sort out on their own.
EISEN: You're stressing me out, Telsie. This isn’t some cute little cultural thing, she’s kidnapped somebody.
TELESPHORE: It's complicated.
COLETTE: How?
TELESPHORE: I don’t expect humans to understand it. Now- there’s bacon and eggs downstairs, normal, unseasoned, cooked in oils native to this dimension. Take it or leave it. Peregrine and I are going out.
EISEN: (bitter) Fine. Have a great time.
TELESPHORE: I will.
EISEN: Good.
SOUND: He leaves.
EISEN: So, looks like he’s gonna be useless. Colette, maybe you could talk to Clytemnestra. Convince her to dump closet-man for someone her own species.
COLETTE: Me?
EISEN: Yeah, she’s about your age, you can bond with her. Braid each other's hair or whatever.
COLETTE: You don’t know a lot about women, do you? Because there is a chasm of difference between eighteen and twenty-five. And she’s not even really eighteen, she’s Kehrseite eighteen, which on Earth is like…a hundred and fifty.
EISEN: Well, do you think I would have a better chance befriending her?
COLETTE: Oh God no. I'll do it.
HISTORIAN: Colette had never had an easy time making friends her own age. She had been ostracised by her fellow schoolgirls, and while she had lived in Champignon, she had always preferred interacting with Ninette to interacting with the house’s other tenants. So, naturally, she approached the task of befriending Clytemnestra with some trepidation.
SOUND: Outdoor ambience of the Seltsamwald. Clytemnestra is sitting in the garden playing Greensleves.
COLETTE: Hey….(uncomfortable) beautiful?
BEAT
COLETTE: I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that.
CLYTEMNESTRA: Hello.
COLETTE: You play really well.
CLYTEMNESTRA: I suppose so.
COLETTE: Sorry, I know that’s a boring compliment but I don’t really know you, so-
Awkward silence.
COLETTE: So, uh, what’s your guy’s name? The guy in the closet?
CLYTEMNESTRA: Some human name, I don’t know. He said I shouldn’t change it to something lovely like Abraxas, but I’m going to anyway.
COLETTE: Cool, cool….Uh…tell me about the spring equinox party. Sounds like it’s a pretty big deal around here.
CLYTEMNESTRA: Not as big as the summer solstice one, or the winter solstice one, but it’s still a very nice party.
COLETTE: And you bring dates?
CLYTEMNESTRA: You don’t know anything, do you?
COLETTE: No, I don’t, that’s why I’m asking.
CLYTEMNESTRA: Whatever.
COLETTE: But you’re taking…Abraxas…as your date, right?
CLYTEMNESTRA: Yes, I told you that last night. He’s going to be my dance partner.
SOUND: Clytemnestra starts playing again.
HISTORIAN: Meanwhile, while Colette attempted a diplomatic solution, Eisen was trying his own approach to solving the problem.
SOUND: Eisen walks down the hallway, knocking on doors.
EISEN: Hello? Anyone in here?
SOUND: His knock is met with a response. He opens the door.
EISEN: Oh, good, you’re still alive.
MAN: Barely. I won’t be for much longer if she keeps giving me that disgusting milk stuff.
EISEN: Well, today’s your lucky day. I happen to be an artificer. Metal’s my specialty, so what I don’t know about picking locks isn’t worth knowing. We’ll get that collar off in just a wee second.
MAN: I wouldn’t-
SOUND: Eisen tries to break the collar but is zapped and thrown against the wall by an energy blast. It knocks a bunch of stuff off the shelf.
MAN: It’s not metal. It’s some sort of-
EISEN: -High-grade polymer made using Kehrseite materials, I can see that now.
MAN: Yeah.
FINN: What the hell are you doing in here?
EISEN: Trying to free the guy that your weird kid has been keeping trapped in here, what does it look like?
FINN: There are ways you could’ve done that without breaking the shelves.
EISEN: Like what, just ask you?
FINN: How about keeping your nose out of other peoples’ business when you’re staying in their house? (to the man) I’m so sorry, Abraxas, I’ll get him out of here.
SOUND: Finn drags Eisen out of the closet and closes the door.
MAN: (through the door.) That’s not my name-
FINN: I’m willing to put up with you, because you’re Telesphore’s partner. But I want you to know that I do not appreciate what you’re doing right now.
SOUND: Sinister percussive music.
EISEN: Well, the feeling’s mutual. And if you’re thinking about throwing me out, don’t worry- I’ll see myself to the door.
HISTORIAN: Convinced he had the last word on the matter, Eisen walked confidently down the stairs to the front door, opened it, and stepped outside. Or, at least, he thought he did.
SOUND: Door opening and closing.
EISEN: What kind of bullshit is this?
HISTORIAN: Instead of being outside, he was back in the Seedeater family’s sitting room.
FINN: You don’t get to decide when you leave. That’s not how things work here. You’re going to stay until you’ve learned some manners. However long it takes. Got it?
SOUND: Door opens.
COLETTE: So, I talked to Clytemnestra-
EISEN: (frantic) Colette, don’t step across the threshold.
COLETTE: What?
HISTORIAN: Colette stepped across the threshold.
EISEN: Oh, god damn it.
COLETTE: What did you do, Eisen?
EISEN: Nothing! I tried to do the decent thing and set the closet guy free, but I broke the shelves, totally by accident, and now we’re both being punished for it, I guess.
COLETTE: (sarcastic) You’ve picked up a lot of things about their culture and etiquette, huh?
EISEN: Shut up.
COLETTE: Don’t freak out, though. We’ll just get Telesphore to explain the misunderstanding, and-
FINN: That’s not gonna be how it works.
COLETTE: Why not?
FINN: Because he respects our house rules, and he’ll honour my decision. When it comes down to it, he’s one of us.
HISTORIAN: And speaking of Telesphore, he and Peregrine were presently at the town market, stocking up on supplies they would need to make the traditional spring equinox wine.
SOUND: Marketplace ambience. Multiple voices, the occasional chirp of an exotic animal.
PEREGRINE: Trust me, you might not think to combine swamp apricots and icefruit, but they go amazingly together.
TELESPHORE: I’ll take your word for it. I must admit, I haven’t cooked with ingredients from back home in a good long while.
PEREGRINE: Oh, you’ll be able to get back in the swing of it in no time. It’s like riding a velocipede.
SOUND: Telesphore puts some fruit in the basket.
TELESPHORE: So, what do you think of Clytemnestra’s gentleman companion?
PEREGRINE: She has a boyfriend? That’s news to me.
Awkward beat.
TELESPHORE: Oh, she hasn’t- I see. Well, this is a little awkward. I assumed since your partners both knew-
Beat
TELESPHORE: She’s got a human man in your upstairs hall closet.
PEREGRINE: You’re joking.
SOUND: Peregrine exhales- she’s stressed out.
PEREGRINE: That girl….I told her she couldn't. And I’m going to have words with the boys if they didn’t tell me about this immediately. I thought we had an understanding after the last time…
TELESPHORE: The last time?
PEREGRINE: At the summer solstice. She took a human with her as her dance partner and it didn’t end well. (sighs resignedly) She’s so sensitive, she takes it really badly when they die.
TELESPHORE: I understand how she feels. Humans are fragile, their lives are fleeting. When Eisen and I met, we were the same age.
PEREGRINE: Maybe you could talk to her. You know more about humans than any of us, you could probably knock some sense into her.
TELESPHORE: I mean…I don’t claim to be an expert, but I suppose I could try.
HISTORIAN: Telesphore and Peregrine returned home, completely unaware of the situation that had occurred with their respective partners in their absence.
SOUND: Front door opening.
COLETTE: Telesphore, don’t cross the threshold!
EISEN: No, the trap isn’t gonna work on him, it was for us.
COLETTE: Oh. Right. Sorry Telesphore.
TELESPHORE: Trap?
FINN: Punishment.
TELESPHORE: (thoughtful) Punishment…
Beat
TELESPHORE: Eisen, what did you do?
EISEN: Why does everyone always assume it was me?
FINN: He broke the shelves in the upstairs hall closet.
PEREGRINE: The same one where Clytemnestra’s keeping her prisoner?
FINN: Alkadies, did you tell her?
ALKADIES: No.
FINN: Telesphore, did you tell her?
TELESPHORE: It just slipped out. I thought she knew.
PEREGRINE: And you both kept it from me.
FINN: I was going to tell you, I promise.
ALKADIES: We just didn’t want to give you anything to stress over, not right before the equinox.
PEREGRINE: When we promised our lives to each other, we swore we would put honesty above all things. It's the foundation of this household, and you kept a secret from me? Under our roof? Do you have any idea how much that hurts? While I'm out there preparing for a beautiful equinox party, you two are running around behind my back.
EISEN: Can we go upstairs?
COLETTE: Yeah, this seems like it’s not our business.
PEREGRINE: Of course you can. But don’t you dare go into that closet again. Telesphore, I think Clytemnestra might be in her room if you want to go have that conversation with her.
TELESPHORE: Of course.
HISTORIAN: As the trio headed back upstairs to speak to Clytemnestra, the Seedeaters continued their argument downstairs. Eisen, Telesphore and Colette all tried their best not to listen.
SOUND: Knocking on the door.
CLYTEMNESTRA: Who is it?
TELESPHORE: It’s me. Your aunt wanted me to come have a chat with you.
SOUND: The door opens.
CLYTEMNESTRA: It’s about Abraxas, isn’t it?
TELESPHORE: Yes, I’m afraid.
CLYTEMNESTRA: I’m in trouble, aren’t I?
TELESPHORE: No, not at all.
EISEN: You probably should be-
COLETTE: Sshh!
TELESPHORE: Can we come in?
CLYTEMNESTRA: Alright.
TELESPHORE: Now, Eisen, Colette and I are nothing if not fair, upstanding businessmen, so we are prepared to offer you a deal. What is that young man’s life worth to you?
EISEN: We’re really phrasing it like that?
TELESPHORE: Just go with it. (to Clytemnestra) What could we give you that would make you happy enough to sever your attachments with him?
CLYTEMNESTRA: Something special. Something no one else has. From each of you.
TELESPHORE: That can be arranged. Shall we shake on it?
CLYTEMNESTRA: Yes.
HISTORIAN: They each shook Clytemnestra’s hand- some more reluctantly than others.
TELESPHORE: Give her your hand, Eisen.
EISEN: What, so she can take it?
HISTORIAN: After much deliberation, they finally decided on the exact nature of the gifts they would trade.
COLETTE: Does your aunt keep a sewing room? I’m a tailor by trade, I could make you something.
CLYTEMNESTRA: I could use a new petticoat.
TELESPHORE: And I could replace Abraxas as your dance partner at the festival.
CLYTEMNESTRA: …Alright, but you’d better not step on my feet.
TELESPHORE: I’ll do my best.
CLYTEMNESTRA: What about you?
EISEN: You wouldn’t happen to have any scrap metal, would you? Or some jewellery that needs fixing?
CLYTEMNESTRA: No.
EISEN: Well, then you’re out of luck.
CLYTEMNESTRA: Oh! Oh! I want a secret. I haven't heard one in ages.
EISEN: From me?
CLYTEMNESTRA: Yes. Tell me something that not even Telesphore knows.
EISEN: Fine, I guess.
Beat.
EISEN: I’m gonna whisper it to you- but you two had better block your ears.
SOUND: Clytemnestra giggles excitedly. Eisen whispers something in her ear. She gasps.
CLYTEMNESTRA: Oh, that’s a good one.
TELESPHORE: There. Pleasure doing business with you.
HISTORIAN: The good neighbours are known for many things- their energy weapons, love of poisonous fruits, and their esoteric social codes, but perhaps what they’re best known for are their raucous celebrations. Kehrseite parties normally include entire towns in their festivities and can last in excess of twelve hours. Humans are not strictly prohibited from attending, but the ambient reality-warping abilities of large groups of neighbours gathering in one place can often have a sort of time dilating effect. If specific precautions are not taken, joining in on the fun can cause an Earthly partygoer to collapse from exhaustion- in essence, dancing themselves to death. Because of this, Eisen and Colette were relegated to the sidelines of the equinox festival while Telesphore took part in the revelry.
SOUND: Upbeat Celtic dance music plays over the sounds of a party. Fireworks go off in the distance.
EISEN: Not even once? After you’ve had your dance with Clytemnestra?
TELESPHORE: Sorry, darling, I wish I could, but I don’t control my effect on your reality. Feel free to enjoy yourselves without me, try some of the- wait, no, the wine has swamp apricots and icefruit in it, you’ll be violently ill. Or, you can- no, that’s not a good idea either. Just enjoy the music, I suppose. And I made some almond cream biscuits that’ll be safe for you, hopefully they haven’t all been eaten yet.
EISEN: Hopefully.
SOUND: Eisen pulls out a flask and takes a swig.
COLETTE: Have you had that flask the whole time?
EISEN: I have indeed, I just didn’t feel like I needed a drink before now.
COLETTE: Can I have some?
EISEN: Oh, sure.
SOUND: She takes a sip.
COLETTE: Pity the guy from the closet is already in the van, or I’d ask him to dance with me. I feel so awkward just standing around.
EISEN: He’d say no. I bet he never wants to set foot in this place again.
Beat
EISEN: I’d dance with you.
COLETTE: Any port in a storm, I guess.
EISEN: Hey, you watch it. I’m not that bad.
SOUND: The upbeat Celtic music becomes non-diagetic and plays out to the end.
HISTORIAN: So, the night ended with Telesphore sharing a dance with Clytemnestra, Eisen sharing a dance with Colette, and the man from the closet getting some much needed sleep in the van. Incidentally, the man’s name was not Abraxas, as Clytemnestra had called him, but Georg Drier, who had been missing from his home in Beaupont for the past two weeks. Upon leaving to escort Georg home the next morning, Telesphore, Eisen and Colette all agreed that they never wanted to go back to Sorbus for as long as they lived.
MEG: This episode of The Kingmaker Histories was written by Addison Peacock and audio engineered by Meg Molloy Tuten, with executive production by Henry Galley. Our music comes courtesy of Vivek Abishek and Audio Jungle. This episode featured, in order of appearance, David Ault as the Historian, Misha Bakshi as Nikita, Josh Rubino as Telesphore, Taqi Nazeer as Eisen, Blythe Renay as Colette, Ryan Hoyle as Alkadies, Bonnie Calderwood Aspinall as Peregrine, Dallas Hawthorn as Finn, and Addison Peacock as Clytemnestra, with additional voices by Jamie Douglas and Matt Baker.
If you’re interested in supporting the show, please follow KingmakerPod on tumblr, twitter and instagram, or search for The Kingmaker Histories on Facebook and Patreon. Thank you for listening, and we’ll see you again in two weeks.
[Fade to silence]
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