The Psychic
The Lion and the Adder: The Psychic Transcript
SCENE ONE
[Inside a genteel restaurant. Throughout the scene, a piano plays Tchaikovsky's Waltz of the Flowers from the Nutcracker, and the sound of gentle conversation and the clink of cutlery fills the background.]
FRANK: What a pleasant luncheon. Do you come here often, Miss Sebastian?
BASH: What? Me? No.
AUNT CLARA: Oh, my niece doesn't dine out as often as I would- Well. Not often.
FRANK: Oh? You prefer to dine at home? I confess, it is rather more comfortable. And one can keep better to one's own preferences if one is hosting one's own dinner party.
BASH: Can one, indeed.
[A pause. Frank clears his throat and sighs]
FRANK: My mother always speaks highly of your bridge parties, Miss Fitzpatrick.
AUNT CLARA: Oh, that's very good of her. Isabella is such a dear friend.
[The conversation lapses into silence. There’s an awkward pause.]
FRANK: Uh, I was at the zoological gardens last weekend, have you ever been? I-It's really a splendid-
BASH: [interrupting] London Zoo?
AUNT CLARA: Oh no, I don't think we need to talk about the Zoo-
BASH: [interrupting] I go to London Zoo every third Saturday of the month. Unless it's my birthday that month, and then I go twice.
AUNT CLARA: How lovely. Now, Francis, I heard your mother had a touch of sciatica…
BASH: [demanding] What did you see?
FRANK: Uh, we saw the elephants. And the monkeys!
BASH: You can touch the monkeys, you know. In the back. It's allowed, I mean, they let you. There's a special room for it. That sounds weird, it's not weird – it's like feeding the bears! Did you feed the bears?
FRANK: Uh, y-yes! Yes, we did. My little nephew, Jacob, he was so excited. He's six, you know, and has a teddy-
BASH: [interrupting] Did you know, when they first built the Mappin Terraces – that's the fake mountain where the bears live – they used all this concrete and people thought it looked dreadful and bleak, so they covered it in porridge to encourage lichen to grow on it!
FRANK: Ah. Did they indeed. Uh. How ingenious.
BASH: Isn't it! Did you go to the tearooms afterwards? They only opened last year, I went to see them specially. There's plans to build a whole aquarium underneath, but they haven't started yet. I wonder how long it'll take? Did you know, that's where the word "aquarium" comes from? From when they built the first Fish House at the Zoo in 1850… Was it 52 or 53?
FRANK: Uh. I… I don't know. Um. Jacob very much enjoyed himself though. I think he liked the lions best.
BASH: Who's Jacob?
FRANK: My nephew. [beat] I did say.
BASH: Oh.
[A pause. Bash sighs.]
BASH: I see.
AUNT CLARA: Your mother tells me you've had a promotion, Francis.
FRANK: Oh, yes! I'm delighted, of course. Mr Hobson tells me he's been very impressed with my work.
BASH: What do you do?
AUNT CLARA: I told you…!
BASH: [whispering] I'm asking questions. I'm supposed to ask questions. It's polite.
FRANK: I work in finance, Miss Sebastian.
BASH: [laughing] Ha! Frank at the bank.
FRANK: Actually, I prefer Francis.
BASH: [teasing] Well that doesn't rhyme!
FRANK: No. It doesn't. [pause] Do you have an interest in finance, Miss Sebastian?
[A long, awkward pause.]
BASH: I'm a psychic.
[beat]
FRANK: Yes. I was… made aware.
BASH: For a living, I mean. That's what I do. [beat] I can talk to dead people.
AUNT CLARA: You don't talk to dead people. She doesn't talk to dead people.
BASH: I could though. If I wanted to.
AUNT CLARA: No she couldn't; it's against the law. She assists the police in their investigations, don't you?
FRANK: Oh? Like that demonologist chap from the papers?
BASH: No, uh, they actually listen to him. Uh, me, they pay for the privilege of ignoring. [sighs] Um. I-I talk to spirits. Sometimes I talk to them at a crime scene? It's not that interesting. [beat] I can read minds though!
AUNT CLARA: Bash! She's joking, it's a joke! She has a dampener.
FRANK: A dampener? Oh, the field suppressor. Y-yes, of course. Uh, jolly good stuff. Better for everyone I suppose.
BASH: Oh, don't worry Frank – your secrets are safe from me.
FRANK: Ha. Well. I-I think that's splendid.
BASH: …splendid? You think me being psychic is splendid?
FRANK: Yes. Yes, no, I-I mean the work. A girl ought to have something to fill her time.
AUNT CLARA: Quite.
BASH: And her bank account.
FRANK: [muttering] Well, certainly, I suppose, if she's unmarried…
[The conversation lapses. The piano music ends, leaving them in silence but for the clinking of cutlery.]
AUNT CLARA: The weather has been really dreadful this week, don't you agree?
[FADE OUT]
SCENE 2
[Inside a taxi driving through a busy city street in the rain. Car horns sound in the distance and rain lashes at the windows.]
AUNT CLARA: Well, that could have gone better.
BASH: Could have gone a lot worse.
AUNT CLARA: And I'm sure it would have, if I hadn't been there. [sighing] Oh, good Lord, Bash - "I talk to dead people for a living"?!
BASH: Look, in my defence, it was very funny.
AUNT CLARA: That’s not a defence!
BASH: Well you're not denying it though! It was funny. Did you see his face?
AUNT CLARA: Oh for pity's sake! I shall be run out of town at this rate, and leave a slew of eligible young men in my wake gibbering in fear at the Demon Niece of Kilburn!
BASH: Or, of course, you could just stop inviting them to have lunch with me?
AUNT CLARA: Certainly not. There's a young man out there for you somewhere, my girl, and I'm going to find him if it kills me!
BASH: At least if it does, we'll still be able to chat!
AUNT CLARA: [laughing] Oh, stop! Besides – who says I’ll want to talk to you? Frightful girl!
[The car drives on and the scene fades on the sound of Bash laughing.]
[The Lion and the Adder theme music plays.]
H.R. OWEN: The Lion and the Adder is a 1920s supernatural detective story launching this autumn. Visit monstrousproductions.org/fundraising to help bring the series to life.
The Psychic starred Méabh de Brún as Bash; Colette Hart as Aunt Clara; and Ralph Stickley as Frank. It was written by H.R. Owen and sound designed by Eira Major.
[Theme music ends.]
--END TRANSCRIPT--
