The Detective
The Lion and the Adder: The Detective Transcript
[Inside a stationery shop. The sounds of city traffic can be heard, slightly muffled – cars and horses passing by. Edwards and Nicholas approach, mid-conversation. They enter the shop, the bell above the door ringing and the traffic sounds suddenly clear before being cut off when the door closes.]
EDWARDS: [reciting from memory] ...failing to dispose of waste thaumaturgic material which may endanger the public health.
NICHOLAS: Such as...?
EDWARDS: Uh. I don't know. Magical stuff?
NICHOLAS: Magical stuff?
EDWARDS: No, I mean-!
NICHOLAS: [laughing] Oh, that's brilliant. "I am arresting you on suspicion of not putting your magical stuff in the bin properly."
EDWARDS: Anything with an active magical charge! It just means you can't go around dumping, I don't know, charged amulets and things in the Thames.
NICHOLAS: Ah, half a point. At best. You'll never make sergeant at this rate, Edwards.
EDWARDS: I'll never make sergeant anyway.
NICHOLAS: Oh, come on...
[Before he can finish, the shopkeeper enters from the storeroom.]
SHOPKEEPER: So sorry, I was just restocking the- [He sees Edwards and Nicholas] Oh! Oh, hello, officer. Um. Is there something I can help you with?
NICHOLAS: Detective Inspector Nicholas Hawthorn. This is my colleague, Detective Constable Edwards. I think you know why we're here, sir.
SHOPKEEPER: Oh, good Lord! I-I can't- I mean, if my brother-in-law called you, I assure you, I never meant-
NICHOLAS: Ah, I'm only pulling your leg. We're looking for a birthday card.
SHOPKEEPER: Oh! Oh, yes, of course. Down by the window there. Gosh, you gave me a fright!
NICHOLAS: Why? Something to hide?
SHOPKEEPER: What?! No!
EDWARDS: Sir! [to the shopkeeper] He's joking. He's not funny, but he likes to pretend.
SHOPKEEPER: Ha. [weak laugh] Yes. Very amusing. Hmm. [clears throat] Well. Things to do. Do call if you need anything.
[He scuttles back the way he came]
EDWARDS: Can't take you anywhere.
NICHOLAS: Was a bit funny though. This do?
EDWARDS: It's a bit floral, isn't it? I don't think Constable Parish is the flowery type.
NICHOLAS: Yeah, which one is Parish, anyway? The redhead?
EDWARDS: No, that's Tucker. Parish is the one with the nose. Some DI you are.
NICHOLAS: Ah, one constable's as good as another in my experience.
EDWARDS: Thanks.
NICHOLAS: Present company excluded. Here's one for you: what do dogs, trees and electricity have in common?
EDWARDS: What? Uh… Clue.
NICHOLAS: 1916.
EDWARDS: 1916? Uh... Oh! Oh, the Larceny Act? They’re all specifically protected under the 1916 Larceny Act, so stealing them has a different sentence than simple larceny.
NICHOLAS: Spot on. I bet DC Parish wouldn't have gotten that one.
EDWARDS: How do you know? You don't even know who he is.
NICHOLAS: I do. He's the one with the nose.
EDWARDS: What about this?
NICHOLAS: "Loving birthday greetings". Steady on. Oh, this is nice!
EDWARDS: "To my darling mother"?
NICHOLAS: Huh? Oh. Suppose not.
EDWARDS: You really didn't have to come along, sir. I'm sure you've got stuff to get on with back at the Yard.
NICHOLAS: I've got a burglary, a sacrilege and a flasher. And they all did it, and we all know it. It's just dotting the Ts and crossing the Is at this point. But I never get to pick the birthday cards! Look - this one's got a wee cat on it!
EDWARDS: I think that's for babies, sir.
NICHOLAS: And what is a constable but a baby policeman?
EDWARDS: What's the sacrilege case?
NICHOLAS: Not much of a "case". Pair of lads broke into a church in Lambeth and tried to summon the Devil.
EDWARDS: What?! How is that not much of a case?
NICHOLAS: Well, first of all, they copied their summoning from an old issue of Boy's Own. Might as well have tried to summon the Prince of Darkness with a ham sandwich.
EDWARDS: What were they thinking, printing that stuff in a kid's magazine?
NICHOLAS: It wasn't a real one! It was just an illustration for a scary story. And that's without getting into the weeds of whether "the Devil" even exists to be summoned in the first place.
EDWARDS: You sound like Mr Sylvester. I bet he'd have plenty to say on the subject.
NICHOLAS: [laughing] He has plenty to say on every subject. [mimicking Robin with a high pitched, posh English accent] "I say, Collie, don't you know the thaumaturgic reactivity of ham would entirely distort the manifestment field of a Boys-Ownian summoning..."
[Edwards bursts out laughing in the middle of his impression]
NICHOLAS: [laughing] You alright there?
EDWARDS: [laughing] Oh, that really tickled me! It was like he was in the room! I take it you won't be telling him about it, then?
NICHOLAS: No fear. I'll save myself that particular lecture, thanks. Here, how about this one?
EDWARDS: "I am thinking today what a world it would be if you never had a birthday." [beat] No.
NICHOLAS: What? It's a nice sentiment. With a pleasingly menacing undertone.
EDWARDS: Have you ever actually bought a birthday card before, sir?
NICHOLAS: Mm, not since you joined the department!
[He means it as as joke, but she doesn't laugh.]
NICHOLAS: Sorry. I didn't mean... You're good at it. You always pick nice ones.
EDWARDS: It's funny how I'm so good at doing all the jobs nobody else wants.
NICHOLAS: [sighing] Edwards...
EDWARDS: No, it's fine. I'm sure it's just coincidence. That's actually the whole reason I wanted to join the Force in the first place. None of that namby-pamby "helping people" nonsense. I'm only in it for the errands.
NICHOLAS: Edwards. You know you're a better copper than half the boys back at the Yard put together.
EDWARDS: Yeah, that doesn't actually help. [beat] Sir.
NICHOLAS: [beat] I know. I know it doesn't. But you'll get there, alright? Keep your head down, crack on with your work. They have to give you your dues eventually.
EDWARDS: [sighing] You'd think, wouldn't you.
[There’s a glum pause. Then Nicholas has a thought.]
NICHOLAS: Are we using petty cash for this card?
EDWARDS: Yes, sir. If that's alright?
NICHOLAS: No, no, it's fine. I'm just thinking, you know. We're a couple of hard-working officers in hot pursuit of justice. We could do with some refreshment. [beat] Fancy an ice cream?
EDWARDS: It's the middle of February.
NICHOLAS: Chips, then.
EDWARDS: Sir...
NICHOLAS: What's the punishment for a constable who neglects her duties?
EDWARDS: [reciting] A fine of up to £10 taken out of her salary, or imprisonment for up to one month, with or without hard labour.
NICHOLAS: Hardly worth the risk, eh? Come and eat a poke of chips with me on the department pocket. That's an order.
EDWARDS: [grudgingly cheered up] Alright. What about DC Parish?
NICHOLAS: Ah, we'll get something on the way back. Come on!
[He pulls the door open, jangling the bell and letting the sound of traffic come into the shop once more.]
NICHOLAS: After you.
EDWARDS: Thank you.
NICHOLAS: You're welcome. [calling] You can come out now.
[Bumps and thuds as the shopkeeper stumbles out.]
SHOPKEEPER: Oh, uh. Ha. Yes. Thank you. Uh, do come again.
NICHOLAS: [darkly] Oh, we will. Mark my words. [brightly] Have a nice day!
[Nicholas and Edwards leave, shutting the shop door behind them.]
[The Lion and the Adder theme music plays.]
H.R. OWEN: The Lion and the Adder is a 1920s supernatural detective story launching this autumn. Visit monstrousproductions.org/fundraising to help bring the series to life.
The Detective starred Paul Warren as Nicholas Hawthorn; AMC as D.C. Edwards; and Jonathan Ip as the Shopkeeper. It was written by H.R. Owen and sound designed by Eira Major.
[Theme music ends.]
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