Episode 63
Travelling Light E063S02 Transcript
[Title music: rhythmic electronic folk.]
H.R. Owen
Travelling Light: Episode Sixty Three.
[The music fades out.]
The Traveller
17th Marim 851
To the community at Emerraine, who carry the Light.
First, friends, an apology. I know it has been uncharacteristically long since my last missive – three weeks, by my count. We are well out of Ishal and are past halfway through Marim, and I know I should have written sooner.
I take some comfort in knowing my last missive was a lengthy one [laughs] After all that transpired with the pirate attack and the aftermath, I needed to reflect.
I learnt some hard truths over the course of those events – truths that, really, I ought to have internalised by now. But apparently I needed one more nudge to set me upon the path the Light has been so insistent in showing me.
I have spent these last weeks trying to walk that path. If you will indulge me, I would like to share what I have learnt upon the way.
I only wish I could share it in person, offering my thoughts up for you all to pick up and turn first this way, then that, to see how the Light may fall upon them. Those conversations are among the many things I miss about home.
I shall have to make do with this, rather one-sided, substitute. I shall do my best to imagine Arhian's expression of serious consideration; Gelth's quips and comments, joking at my expense; Gwellim's kind-hearted desire to see the best in every person I mention.
You have all been such good friends to me. That is one of the matters I have been considering most deeply. Tarlin's words reached something deep within me I had not truly thought about before.
I was raised with so much love! Surrounded by people who cherished me and challenged me as if I were their own child. To be born into a world that means you nothing but good is an almost unimaginable privilege. And, like so many privileges, it was a gift all but invisible to the one who received it.
I took your love, your patience, your encouragement and kindness with all the natural entitlement of… [laughs] Of a happy child! A child who never had cause to believe anyone could react to them with anything but delight and indulgence!
I cannot look back upon my childhood with any criticism though. Perhaps I was a little spoilt, a little over-indulged. Certainly I reached early adulthood with a swollen idea of my own intelligence and competence. But what young person does not suspect their own greatness? That is the prerogative of youth!
As I grew older, I shed most of that callow arrogance. What I was left with was something at once more complex, and far more simple. I did not think I was some undiscovered genius, or a gift bestowed generously upon my peers!
No, I simply believed I was both right, and good, and while I may err from time to time, the simple fact of my rightness and goodness would show itself before the end. If I did wrong, there would be a good reason. If I behaved badly, well, it would be in the name of some righteous cause.
I can already imagine the look of dismay on Gwellim's face upon reading this. Please, rest assured: I do not say this to put myself down. I think, on balance, I have done right when I was able. I have endeavoured to live in the Light, to respond to the world with trust, honesty and kindness. I have done alright.
But I have also spent most of my life believing if ever a person thought ill of me, all I need do is explain my various justifications, and they would change their mind. If a person disagreed with me upon a matter of morals, it could only be because they were not in possession of the facts, as I naturally was.
This, I think, is the reason for my quarrel with Hesje. They have all the facts I do, and have come to a profoundly different conclusion. I cannot deny their autonomy in that, even if I still profoundly disagree with their actions.
I always thought I was good at conflict. I have never shied away from standing up for my beliefs, even if it put me at odds with others. But I never really learnt how to manage a conflict in which I was, actually, in the wrong.
I do not mean the smuggling. I have raked myself over the coals more than enough on that subject. I can see now, I took a sort of grim satisfaction from beating myself up about it; to extravagantly disavowing my previous decisions and throwing myself into protracted penance.
In short, I enjoyed the sensation. I had been wrong, but I was being right again, loudly and showily right, and putting everyone around me to shame in just how right I was.
Or maybe I am beating myself up again. It is very hard to tell, from so close.
When I say I have been avoiding the realisation that I was in the wrong, I mean I have been avoiding the fact I lied to myself about how long I would need to be away from Clanagh. I told that lie to Óli, and set expectations I could not… No. I knew I was not going to fulfil.
I left them in a new town, on a new planet, with no family, no settled friendships. They are a capable and intelligent adult. I have no doubt they have been able to navigate these obstacles. [sighing] But still. I have not been a good friend to them.
I never… [sighs] I never told them I was travelling on the Guillemot. They will feel it as a betrayal, I know. I have known it, this whole time. But I could not look at the matter directly. I could not face that I was doing wrong by someone I care about.
I have done wrong by Captain Scarry, too. He has shown me, over and over, that he cares for the people he loves, and that he is true to his morals, a-a deeply principled man, for all our principles may not always align.
Things have been notably cooler between myself and the captain since our run-in with Flissy and their crew. Luckily, my relationships with everyone else aboard have never been better, so I had plenty of opportunity to talk things through.
Masha and Tarlin, the two who undoubtedly know Scarry best, have advised I give him space. He does not strike me as one to relish a conversation about his feelings, and I will not push him.
I must accept I can only control my own behaviour. I cannot dictate how others view me. [laughing] I hate that I cannot dictate how others view me! But there we have it.
As for Óli, well, there is some exciting news on that front. We are scheduled for a stop on Ka'ampa in a few weeks, and Oyan has told me of an incredible feat of technology a friend of theirs at Ha'asbuk University has been part of developing.
It apparently allows a person to plug in their communication device and connect with any other in real time! It has both sound and video capability. Can you even conceive of such a thing?!
I will write more about it when I see it, of course. More to the point, Oyan's friend has agreed to let me actually use it. To… To call Óli! To speak to them and see them- Oh, to see their face again! To hear their voice!
I-I am getting ahead of myself. I just never thought I would live to see such technology! First the translator devices and now this. Imagine, a world where people from every place imaginable can connect and talk and share… [sighs]
Anyway. I have sent word to Óli to arrange the meeting. They will have to meet up with a researcher at Astova University on Napator. I think I have calculated it all correctly? The time it will take for my missive to reach Kerrin, then for us to get to Ka'ampa and Óli to get to Napator…
[sighing] It will be tight. But it should be doable. And, all willing, I will talk to them. Properly. About… everything. Light have mercy, but I miss them.
I-I have just thought, I hope you do not feel hard done by, that I would choose Óli for this call and not you. I have been speaking to you all for over thirty years at this point [laughs] I have only had Óli in my life for a matter of months.
You will understand, I hope? And I know you know I love you, all of you. I love you, so much.
And I miss you, and I hope you are all thriving and you think of me as often as I think of you, and Deryn's garden is blooming and Arhian has been baking for you all and Gwellim has taught every child in First Day Class how to knit!
Oh, my friends. I will write again soon.
[The click of a data stick being inserted into a drive that whirs as it reads]
The Traveller
Entry MA85117-1. The ritual of 'leaving behind' in Ibernan culture.
Keywords: death and mourning; ethnography; Iberna; material culture; natural world; Ptah; rites of passage.
Notes:
The planet of Ptah is completely covered in a large, calm sea – the first fully aquatic planet I have ever visited. I was fortunate enough to make my way there as part of a recent delivery with the Guillemot.
Or rather, with a shuttle from nearby Shu Station, as we were naturally unable to land upon the planet's surface. Instead, the shuttle left us on a large floating jetty, From which we took seabed-to-surface elevator down into the deeps.
The people of Ptah are mostly completely aquatic, with some air-breathers who live in a cluster of rafts and airdomes on the sea floor. We arrived in one such airdome at the base of the elevator, in the underwater city of Iberna.
I cannot describe what it was, to walk upon the seabed and have water, not sky, above me. It was at once like and unlike being aboard a ship or a station – the sense that only a few scant metres of material separated me from vast airlessness.
But it was impossible to look out at the rest of Iberna beyond the dome and make any comparison to the void of space. It was full of life, with people going about their business with the easy grace of those less touched by gravity than the rest.
The ocean of Ptah is in fact a dilute solution of calcium carbonate in fresh water. As a result, the calcium carbonate continuously precipitates on any stationary surfaces.
The seafloor is covered in smooth white pebbles, and untended undersea structures can be dated by how thickly they are covered in precipitated calcite.
For the inhabitants, this means that moving machinery must be polished weekly, or in more extreme cases descaled chemically with mild acids, or mechanically with a chisel.
I saw some workers doing just that to the outside of the airdome. I hope they did not mind my staring – they seemed friendly enough.
The calcite also precipitates in people's gills, which must be gently agitated morning and evening. Reading about this on the local directory, I could not help but smile. It is so similar to my own daily ablutions. I brush my teeth; the Ptahlans descale their gills.
In fast moving currents, the calcite produces dust, which is harvested and used for all manner of purposed. Meanwhile, in completely still water, the precipitate grows into large crystals. Growing these crystals is a common hobby among Ptahlans all over the planet, rather like keeping a garden.
I was most taken, though, by the way the preciptating action of the calcite has been incorporated into a form of a ritual practiced in Iberna and its environs; a ritual designed to mark the laying down of burdens.
Be it grieving a loss, ending a relationship, or leaving a home, this ritual is used to mark an ending and a termination of emotional responsibility for the thing lost. Ibernans refer to it obliquely as 'leaving behind'.
An item related to the loss is carried to a wild place outside a settlement. A piece of jewellery is a common choice; Ptahlans make wonderful carved shell jewellery, each region with its own designs. The ritual place is usually a hollow or sheltered area where ocean currents flow more slowly.
The item is left on the seabed, and visited once a week. In these visits, people may weep, rage, talk, or simply sit with the object. There is no set form to follow; each person grieves as they need.
As the object sits, untouched, it slowly begins to gather its own layer of preciptate. Once its original colour cannot be seen, the visits become monthly. Once its shape can no longer be discerned, the visits stop altogether.
People expecting, or wishing for, a long grieving process may choose a large, distinctive, or brightly coloured item. Conversely, someone who wishes to signify a loss was unimportant may conspicuously choose a small, whitish thing, easily obscured.
The items chosen are technically private, but they are left in a public space and are a common subject of gossip. You can well imagine the chagrin of a young person who learns their recent ex has left behind a much smaller token than they themselves have chosen!
I can imagine, too, the inverse. A person who sets out an ornate sculpture of many colours, anticipating a grief that will take months to heal, only to find themselves still visiting the remembrance of a loss that has all but faded from their heart.
As we took the elevator back to the surface, I looked out at Iberna, wondering if I could see any of the ritual sites from there. I may have done. I saw some brightly coloured things in the distance that I suppose could have been memorials.
But that is not really the point, is it? The whole city of Iberna, like any city, stands upon a bed of loss and change, laid open to the waters with only time to heal them.
[Title music: rhythmic instrumental folk. It plays throughout the closing credits.]
H.R. Owen
Travelling Light was created by H.R. Owen and Matt McDyre, and is a Monstrous Productions podcast. This episode was written and performed by H.R. Owen.
This week’s entry to the archives was based on an idea by Tell All The Truth But Tell It Slant. You can see Matt's illustration for the entry on our social media accounts.
If you've got an idea for the archive, we want to hear it. We accept anything from a one line prompt to a fully written entry through our website, by email, or on social media. For more information, see the show notes.
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