Feed Drop - Deep Space Radio
Deep Space Radio Feed Drop Transcript
[Title music: rhythmic electronic folk.]
H.R. Owen
Hello friends, Hero here to introduce this week's feed drop. If you’re in the market for sci-fi hijinks, Deep Space Radio might be your new favourite show. It captures the daily news updates from a colony ship during its journey across the stars.
Deep Space Radio might particularly appeal to you if you love the collaborative storytelling of Travelling Light. As a listener, you’re considered to be part of the show’s canonical cast, and can roleplay with other passengers on the show Discord and TikTok, with your stories logged in the ever-growing Passenger Manifest.
Alternatively, if you just want to be spun a good yarn, DSR regularly post compilations of each season so you can binge the lot with no interruptions. We’ve got one of those compilations for you listen to today, spanning the crew’s first adventure as they encounter a mysterious artifact floating in space…
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Deep Space Radio
Month 1 – The Artifact By Collin Gossel
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COLLIN GOSSEL: Hi passengers, I’m Collin Gossel and welcome to Deep Space Radio, a colourful sci-fi adventure set in the far future aboard our colony ship, the STS 45 Cloudbreather. Everyone who listens to DSR is canonically a passenger receiving their daily news updates as the story plays out in real time. What you’re about to hear is a super-cut of our first episodes, which should give you a pretty good idea of how it works. To hear more of the story or roleplay alongside our current adventure, simply search ‘Deep Space Radio’ wherever you get your podcasts. Enjoy!
[The music fades out and is replaced by the Deep Space Radio theme]
COLLIN GOSSEL: Deep Space Radio Season 1. The Artifact.
Day 1
COLLIN GOSSEL: Hi there everybody, this is Collin Gossel and welcome to Deep Space Radio! Congratulations are in order to all of you fine listeners out there aboard the STS 45 Cloudbreather, it has now been exactly one year since we set off from our home planet Chen. That’s right, happy anniversary space colonists, the worst is behind us, we’ve finally passed through those turbulent nebulas and got a first hand view of why no one else wanted to go through them. Turns out just because clouds are red and blue does not make them fun or delicious and I do regret claiming they would be. But it should be smooth sailing from here on out, only three years left until we reach HR-24 63 Beta and boy that procedural planetary designation has never sounded more like home.
But now folks, what you’ve been waiting for. You love it, I love it, ship bylaws require it if we want to keep broadcasting, so here it is: your daily news update. What is happening today aboard the Cloudbreather?
Well, down on the main concourse, passersby may have noticed some new artwork adorning the side of the trolly. These images, which seem to depict our head of security Officer Maxwell, have taken a bit of artistic liberty in regards to his height, the kind of things he usually says, and how much pants he usually wears out in public. Officer Maxwell, towering at 5 foot 7, had this to say:
“I know who is responsible for this libelous graffiti and all of you kind citizens have my word they will be brought to justice. You can count on me.”
We believe in you Officer Maxwell! Track down that adolescent! In happier news, a lamb was born on the agricultural deck last night. Healthy births are incredibly rare at near-relativistic speeds so exozoologist Kit Casteele described this as an “absolute miracle.” She says both mother and baby are in fine form, though the proud ram has been up all night trying to make the finances work. Welcome to the family, little lamb, and don’t get too settled in this new house.
A general reminder to all corporeal passengers from our computerized counterparts: please refrain from saving any personal files on the ship’s dedicated S or T drives. Computerized store owner Annie Maddox put it quite eloquently, saying “how would you like to go home after a long day of work only to find someone had broken in and left a box of vintage porn behind in your living room?” Would that I knew, Annie.
Finally, our intrepid Captain Donnell, who may have graduated last in his class at the Academy but paints an impeccable landscape, sent along an interesting heads-up for all you stargazers out there: our long range scanners have picked up an oncoming cloud of debris. There may be a couple bumps and bangs as the metallic rocks break up against our deflector field, but it should make for quote “quite the captivating sight.”
To send us out we’ve got a new mix by teenager Mercury Theed of deck seven, unappreciated by the man, and a talented artist in all respects. Take it away, Mercury.
Day 2
COLLIN GOSSEL: Hi everyone, this is Collin Gossel and welcome back to Deep Space Radio. How about that debris field folks! Wow, what a show! You know, some people call the Deep Space Radio Studio a “repurposed airlock” but you know what I call it? The best seat in the house. Although it is, of course, a repurposed airlock.
Anyway, anyone who was watching the fireworks likely noticed our intrepid pilot Claudio Atlos doing some fancy flying out into the debris. Fun though it may be for a world-famous spacer like him to risk his life for our entertainment, rumors have been spreading through the ship that he actually flew into the debris to bring something back. What did we find out there? Is it valuable? Is it dangerous? These are the very questions the bridge asked me not to spread. And to further cut off any entertaining speculation, Captain Donnell, our leader who rules with a rubber fist, has prepared a short address for all passengers. Here it is:
CAPTAIN DONNELL: Hello passengers. It’s me, the Captain. Captain Donnell that is. So stop what you’re doing and listen up! If you have a moment.
Yesterday, as we were passing through the debris field, our scanners picked up a strange energy signature. It was, uh, oscillating in a unique way and we all noticed it immediately. So I sent our pilot Claudio into the debris field to investigate and he found a sort of pyramid…thing. It’s made of metal, about 6 feet tall, and covered in interesting markings that I’m told are very very interesting. So interesting that we brought it on board to study further.
The important thing to remember is that there is no danger. It’s just a big piece of metal. But the markings could mean there’s an unknown human colony out here, or that maybe a probe has drifted far off course, and our science team, lead by Professor Bolin, want to learn what they can about its origins.
While they do so, no one should be spreading rumors about what the artifact is or where it came from. And that’s an order! If I hear people saying things they shouldn’t…ooo just watch out. That’s right. Ok, that’s all, everyone go back to your business.
How do you think that sounded? Official? I actually had this frog in my throat, do you think people could hear? What? What button? [Skkkrrrtt]
COLLIN GOSSEL: There you have it folks, the Captain has spoken. And it sounds like we are in very good hands.
Day 3
COLLIN GOSSEL: Welcome back everyone, this is Collin Gossel and you are listening to Deep Space Radio.
It looks like it’s that time of the month again, folks. Professor Bolin, former head of the University on Chen and one of the greatest minds of his generation (his words not mine). He’s prepared his monthly broadcast covering a “scientific topic relevant to the public interest.” And of course, I’m excited to bring it to you here, on everyone’s favorite station for entertainment. This month, the good Professor will be addressing the strange artifact his team has been studying. Take it away, Professor Bolin:
BOLIN: Good, afternoon passengers, young and old. For today’s brief lecture, I’ve received countless requests for information concerning the artifact we found in Deep Space. It does seem like an exciting topic. Unfortunately, as is so often the case, the light of science has dissolved the shroud of mystery to reveal the mundane and familiar. The artifact is, quite simply, a big, boring, bulk of metal. Basic metallic molecular structure, rust resistant but no higher technological functionality or internal circuitry - at least none I can detect. The markings on its hull do catch the eye, slightly ominous perhaps to the superstitious among us, but they bear none of the universal symbols or clues that most human cultures use to indicate higher meaning. My early analysis is that this clump of metal is only slightly more interesting than the countless others we’ve picked up so far. It’s important to remember that although we’re far from home, there’s little out here more interesting than the so-called ‘mysteries’ I studied on Chen. This piece of universe is no different than the last after all.
Of course, questions about its origins could carry ephemeral strategic advantages. Are there nearby humans living beyond the gaze of the 42 colonies who constructed it? Could this even be the first evidence of extraterrestrial life, perhaps an ancient space-faring civilization long forgotten by cosmic history, their ruins beaten into dust by the endless waves of cosmic radiation but for this last, metallic idol? Though the answers of these questions matter little to me personally, they may help our dear, flustered Captain as we navigate these uncharted waters, and so I will continue to investigate. This has been Professor Bolin, I will return again soon.
COLLIN GOSSEL: Thank you so much, Professor. Riveting stuff as always. And while we’re talking science, now seems as good a time as any to remind all listeners that it’s time for our regular ship physicals with Doctor Lake, the youngest head physician in Chen history. She’s recorded this little reminder, take it away Doctor:
DOCTOR LAKE: Hi everyone, it’s Doctor Lake! Hey listen, I know it’s a huge bummer right but it’s super important you all come in for your regular physical as soon as you can. Some people I’ve been talking to have been saying they don’t think it’s a big deal but here’s the thing: it totally is. Near-relativistic travel does weird things to people’s bodies and, like, not in a good way. So I just have to keep an eye on you. I know a lot of you have never had a doctor like me before but trust me, I’m gonna have you all out there looking healthy and well-rested quick as a flash. I’m winking now if you can’t see.
COLLIN GOSSEL: That’s right, listeners, there’s no escaping the scientists. In my opinion, best to give in now, make it easier on yourself.
Day 4
COLLIN GOSSEL: Hey everybody, this is Collin Gossel and you’re listening to Deep Space Radio.
As you all know, there’s been a rash of breakdowns and malfunctions across the ship. Heating and cooling issues, unresponsive systems in common areas, and every now and then the gravity turns off. Which can be a bit inconvenient if you’re cooking or cleaning or standing on the floor. Little things like that. To address your concerns, Captain Donnell held a small press conference today accompanied by our powerful head engineer, Tasha Paulson. Here it is:
CAPTAIN DONNELL: Thank you all for being here. I’ve received your complaints and wanted everyone to know we’re working tirelessly to make sure ship systems are fully operational. It’s a massive priority, something I think about constantly, and an issue that I’m certain will be solved in no time at all. I have here with me our Chief engineer Tasha Paulson, who feels the same. Tasha?
TASHA: Yeah.
CAPTAIN DONNELL: …yes, here she is. Chief Paulson was living here on the ship, keeping it in working order years before the rest of us arrived so she knows better than any of us what kind of upkeep it requires. What would you say to the passengers asking about delays in repairs, Chief?
TASHA: I’ll get to it.
CAPTAIN DONNELL: Ah. Yes. Well, any advice for said passengers on how to make due in the meantime?
TASHA: I’d remind them this ship is not your house, it’s a run-down miracle of engineering, and it should be treated as such. I see a lot of people mistreating the machinery.
CAPTAIN DONNELL: Oh I’m sure they don’t mean to -
TASHA: I see it. Being aggressive with consoles, neglecting regular repairs, making excessive power draws during peak hours. You treat the ship bad, it’ll treat you bad.
CAPTAIN: Now Chief, I’m certain everyone on board is doing their best.
TASHA: Oh are they? Captain, do you recall the updates to the artificial gravity hardware I suggested before we left Chen? Too expensive I think was your opinion.
CAPTAIN: Well, I said -
TASHA: And who was it who recommended we take a detour around the debris field instead of straining our systems by letting it break against our deflector field? Was it you? Oh no, you were eager to paint the pretty colors.
CAPTAIN: Alright Chief you’ve made your point.
TASHA: Alive is the goal. Comfortable is a bonus. You all knew what you were signing up for.
COLLIN GOSSEL: Folks, that is cool. In other news about incredible ladies, Martha Crittle, the ship’s singular octogenarian, today underwent her hip procedure in the infirmary and has already been released. We checked in on her and she had this to say:
MARTHA: So I got a little work done, who hasn’t? I just wish I’d had it done earlier. I’d have whupped those kids up and down the flyball court. And you know I would!
COLLIN GOSSEL: I do indeed, Martha, and I’m sure you will be again before long.
Day 5
COLLIN GOSSEL: Hi there everyone this is Collin Gossel and welcome back to Deep Space Radio.
Listeners, I have a real treat for you today. I’ve been getting calls left and right wanting to know more about The Cloudbreather’s newest passenger: the baby lamb born on the agricultural deck last week. Well, I was lucky enough to visit the deck and meet up with our resident exozoologist Kit Casteele for an introduction to this pint-sized celebrity as well as a look around the facilities and, of course, I recorded the whole thing. Take a listen.
KIT: So, uh, yeah this is the animal handling facility, I call it The Barn. Over here is where I keep my tools. I put them in order from most dirty to least dirty so when you walk in, you can’t smell the dirty ones all the way over there and when it’s time to clean them, boom! The dirty ones are right next to you. Are you sure this is the kind of thing people want to hear about? People are asking for it.
KIT: And it’s going out to the whole ship?
COLLIN GOSSEL: Yeah.
KIT: Jeez. I should have worn a better shirt. Uh ok, well this right over here is the sheep enclosure. They didn’t sleep well last night, the ship must have been rocking.
COLLIN GOSSEL: How can you tell they didn’t sleep well?
KIT: I mean, you can hear it.
COLLIN GOSSEL: You can hear it?
KIT: Oh sure. Just listen to that - baaaaa. Baaaaa. That’s how I’d sound if I didn’t get my forty winks. Anyway, and if you give me a second, I can just pop over this and grab the little guy. Here he is!
COLLIN GOSSEL: Oh wow, look at this little guy. What’s his name?
KIT: I’ve been calling him cotton-ball. His favorite things are running around after drinking water and when I sing little songs. He’s a really smart guy, he even found my pocket where I hold the milk bottles so now I have to keep them out of reach. He’s totally healthy, which is super rare for near-relative speed births, but if anyone wants to meet him just let me know and you can come visit the barn whenever you like!
COLLIN GOSSEL: You heard it here first, folks, Cotton-ball is waiting for your visit! Before that, however, I have an important announcement from head of security, Officer Maxwell, who has caught the culprit responsible for the graffiti on the main concourse. Here he is now:
MAXWELL: Hello fellow citizens, this is Officer Maxwell. As we all know, vandalism is no laughing matter, especially when it depicts a hardworking member of the local community. I have someone here with me who would like to apologize for their recent actions. I ask that you hear them out. Go ahead.
MERCURY: Hello, this is Mercury Theed. There’s something very important I want to say, to anyone who’s willing to listen. This is very difficult for me to say. I’ve been taken hostage by an unhinged pervert.
MAXWELL: What?!
MERCURY: He’s a madman and he looks disgusting, please if you’re listening I need help.
MAXWELL: She is not being held hostage.
MERCURY: Oh my God, he has a knife!
MAXWELL: I don’t -
MERCURY: Don’t come closer! No - stop – Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh…
MAXWELL: Ok, well, I think it’s obvious you’ve learned your lesson. It’s important to respect public property.
MERCURY: Please…anyone…the killer…it was Officer Maxwell.
MAXWELL: She’s fine.
MERCURY: He’s touching his nipples right now.
MAXWELL: Ok we’re done.
COLLIN GOSSEL: Apology accepted Mercury and thank you Officer Maxwell. It’s good to know crime doesn’t pay aboard the Cloudbreather.
Day 6
COLLIN GOSSEL: Hey everybody, I’m Collin Gossel and this is Deep Space Radio. It seems the fever surrounding the artifact in the docking bay has begun to die down as people realize there’s not a lot to say about a big boring bulk of metal. That is, except for one very vocal passenger who feels we never should have brought it aboard: Bradley Theed, head of the Passenger Activism Association. I caught up with Bradley on the agricultural deck, where he runs his farm, and he had this to say:
BRADLEY: This artifact from Umbra knows where may be nothing or it could be a danger to us all. It could be some sort of disease-ridden alien carcass, it could be a bomb. Whatever it is will have consequences for the entire ship and it was brought on board without consulting anyone in the PAA, without even thinking about how it might affect the regular passengers just trying to get from Chen to Beta. It’s possible this thing could kill us all!
MERCURY, walking through: God, can you please just chill and be cool for like one second? Seriously, this is like the whole point of being out here!
BRADLEY: Uh no, the point of being out here is keeping you alive.
MERCURY: Well, that’s too bad because you make me want to die.
COLLIN GOSSEL: Eagle-eared listeners may have for just a moment heard Bradley’s daughter and friend of the show Mercury Theed in the background. Most passengers seem to share Mercury’s ambivalence, including the man who brought the artifact back himself and risked his life to do it, pilot Claudio Atlos. I’ve actually got the star himself here in the studio with me today. How are you doing, Claudio?
CLAUDIO: Fine, Collin, just fine. Not much to do aboard a ship like this, is there?
COLLIN GOSSEL: Well, not compared to the hot spots on Chen, I’ll bet. But we try to make our own fun! Speaking of which, that was some impressive work dodging debris to go get the artifact.
CLAUDIO: Oh that. Yeah, I’d say that was about as much excitement as a lot of these guys have seen since they could watch me on their vid screens planetside.
COLLIN GOSSEL: I mean one false move and it could have been over for you. Were you nervous at all?
CLAUDIO: Psh. There’s no time to be nervous. You just have to take it in, trust your instincts, and let the training take over. Honestly, I’m more likely to get hurt walking to the bathroom than flying through an asteroid field.
COLLIN GOSSEL: And it’s that kind of charisma that turned you into a star back on Chen. Has that followed you here on the Cloudbreather?
CLAUDIO: Well it certainly hasn’t hurt with the ladies, Collin. Come on, you know what I’m saying ;)
COLLIN GOSSEL: Claudio, I wish I did! Last question before we say goodbye, do you think anyone has anything to fear from this artifact? I mean it just seems like another piece of debris. But if something goes wrong, don’t you worry - I can put it right back where I found it.
Day 7
COLLIN GOSSEL: Welcome back everyone, this is Collin Gossel and you are listening to Deep Space Radio.
In local weather, I think we can all feel that refreshing breeze in the air that signifies the temperature regulators have been fully repaired. Not only that, but the artificial gravity is in perfect order and malfunctions are at an all-time low since our departure. I don’t know how anyone could ever doubt Chief Paulson, who had this to say on the improved state of the ship:
TASHA: Yeah. I, uh, told you we’d get to it. It’s a…surprising turnaround. I said I’d be happy. And I am.
COLLIN GOSSEL: And that’s not the only good news today, folks! The Captain has received word from the ship’s computerized workers that they’ve discovered a new route through space which should save us several months of travel time. The equations of near-relativistic travel are not easy to balance but apparently the team has simply been firing on all cylinders. After receiving word, the Captain had this to say:
CAPTAIN DONNELL: So you’ve all heard the good news, then? Right, this is really good. And I was the one who told the team to look into that. Obviously they’re the ones who did all the numbers and hard work, this is their thing, but I made the right choice asking them to do it. AND the ship’s machinery has all been fixed up! Looks like someone knows what they’re doing. Oh right, I’m winking now.
COLLIN GOSSEL: Who said graduating last in your class at the Command Academy meant you didn’t know your stuff! Whatever you’re doing, Captain, keep it up!
Day 8
COLLIN GOSSEL: Hey there everyone, I’m Collin Gossel and this is Deep Space Radio.
I’ve got a special treat for you all today! With news buzzing around the ship that months have been chopped off our voyage to Beta, I decided to catch up with one of our most fascinating passengers, Annie Maddox, owner of the general store and the only computerized individual on board not working in celestial navigation. I met with her in one of her usual haunts, Ruth’s Bar, where the taps (which have been in a state of disarray since departure) miraculously seemed to be in perfect working order. Here’s our chat:
Annie, it’s great to see you! Or see your Avatar on the bar’s display at least.
ANNIE: You too, Collin! So nice of you to reach out.
COLLIN GOSSEL: Well, I had to ask. A 3 month shortcut? How could this be possible?
ANNIE: Woof, ok well basically what I know is the closer you get to big things like stars and black holes, the harder it is to predict what that route will be like into the future. It takes a bunch of energy to forecast, but apparently the computerized team was just feeling really good and managed to make some huge breakthroughs that charted a safe route through a couple danger zones or something. Honestly you might have been better off talking to one of the navigators. They’ve trained their whole lives for this, even before their minds were uploaded. This is all new to me!
COLLIN GOSSEL: Oh really, so all the equations and computer stuff doesn’t come naturally?
ANNIE: Oh no, not all of it. Normally, potential computerization candidates are identified as children. It was just dumb luck that I happened to be compatible when I was diagnosed with Hyphax. One in ten thousand they said. Otherwise I would have died right along with my body.
COLLIN GOSSEL: Oh wow, so you didn’t really have a choice. What’s it like, leaving the physical world behind?
RUTH: Take it easy, Collin, this isn’t the interrogation booth.
ANNIE: It’s fine, Ruth, this is an interview.
RUTH: Then why’s he drinking so fast? That cocktail took me 3 minutes to make, it should take at least 10 minutes to drink, pal. You want me listening to your show at 5x speed? Enjoy the artistry. And keep your nose out of other people’s business!
ANNIE: Jesus, Ruth. Sorry, she’s my friend but she thinks she’s my mother. To answer your question, Collin, it’s been really really exciting. I was scared at first, but now there’s a whole new world of possibilities in front of me to look forward to. Do you ever miss having a body?
ANNIE: Psh. What’s to miss?
LU: Hello Ruth. Pinot Noir please.
RUTH: Hey Lu. Anyone show up to the service today?
LU: I had a couple stroll through. I think they were on their way to the park but they stayed for a song, which was nice. I suppose most would rather indulge their vices than contemplate the celestial future.
RUTH: Drink or waste an hour singing to nothing? Yeah, I think I’m with them on this one.
COLLIN GOSSEL: Folks, that voice your hearing is our resident Father of the Celestial Direction, Lu VanHorne. How are you doing, father? LU: Oh Collin, it’s good to see you. You know, I’ve been thinking about the possibility of broadcasting some of my services. Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, I actually have to run! Annie, thank you so much bye!
Day 9
COLLIN GOSSEL: Hello all, I’m Collin Gossel, welcome back to Deep Space Radio. It looks like cold season has come early aboard the
Cloudbreather, with a sudden influx of coughs and sniffles audible down every hallway. Though nothing serious has reared its head yet, our youthful physician Doctor Lake gave me a small announcement to pass my listeners. Here she is now:
DOCTOR LAKE: Hi everybody! So a little cold has been running around the ship. Everyone’s feeling gross, just wanting to stay in bed, and I get it! Honestly, if you’re feeling that way the best thing to do, Doctorly speaking, is to do exactly that. Our ship is like a sealed tube and we don’t want to spread this thing around.
And I don’t want to like alarm anybody but the rate these sniffles are spreading is surprisingly fast. Like normally these things follow a pretty standard curve, but this is really moving. So stay safe, stay healthy, and remember to wash your hands! And make sure to come in for your physicals. A lot of you still haven’t.
COLLIN GOSSEL: After hearing what Doctor Lake had to say, I gave a quick call to Professor Bolin to see if he thought the spread was strange. Here’s what he had to say:
BOLIN: Collin, your cautiousness is admirable, but I’m certain the steep curve can be easily explained by passengers failing to report their illness early on, perhaps hoping to avoid a visit to Doctor Lake. Who can blame them, inexperienced as she is? But more than a match for these sneezes and sniffles I’m sure.
COLLIN GOSSEL: So it seems this cold is nothing to worry about. And more good news: pilot Claudio Atlos today managed the first of the complex ship maneuvers called for in our new, shorter route. Though most pilots wouldn’t attempt the maneuver without the assistance of several computerized co-pilots, Claudio managed to pull it off solo, to great applause from the entire bridge crew. Reached for comment, he had this to say:
CLAUDIO: I mean, I’m not gonna say y’all are lucky to have a pilot like me here but…I think we all know hahaha. And I’ll be retired before I take a co-pilot, especially one without real eyes to see what’s happening.
COLLIN GOSSEL: Well that’s Claudio, everyone, one of a kind and he’s all ours.
Day 10
COLLIN GOSSEL: Hey everyone I’m Collin Gossel and this is Deep Space Radio. Bad news from the agricultural deck, everyone. I received word from exobiologist Kit Casteele this morning that whatever sickness has been going around the station’s human residents has seemingly spread to her livestock, with much more serious results. Here she is to tell us what’s going on:
KIT: I mean it’s so strange, I go in this morning to feed the animals, like I always do right when the sun turns on because you know how cranky they can get if they’re hungry, and they’re all laying on their sides, breathing hard, won’t get up even for oats or cold milk. I sang them a little song, I rubbed their bellies, I tried everything.
When Doctor Lake arrived, Cotton-Ball was not looking good. We took him to the infirmary. I know that’s the safest thing to do, but I just wish he knew what was going on. He’s only been alive for two weeks, he doesn’t know why we’re taking him away from his parents, or why we’re poking him with sharp needles. He must be so scared. I just hope he knows we’re trying to help him.
COLLIN GOSSEL: With Cottonball taking ill, many passengers have begun calling on the Captain to take some sort of action against whatever illness seems to be taking hold of the ship. Hopefully whatever he’s going to do, he does it soon.
Day 11
COLLIN GOSSEL: Hey gang, this is Collin Gossel and you’re listening to Deep Space Radio. This next song is a favorite of mine - oh wait just a minute now. I see here we actually have someone on the line with breaking news. Mercury Theed of deck seven, welcome to Deep Space Radio. What’s going on down there?
MERCURY: Uh hi Collin, listen - something really weird is happening down in the commissary.
COLLIN GOSSEL: Ok, Mercury, take us through it. What’s going on?
MERCURY: So I was just hanging out, just sort of chilling, not doing anything -
COLLIN GOSSEL: Yeah, we get it Mercury.
MERCURY: When this guy who was getting some food from the counter suddenly just like freezes up. I can hear the waiter asking if he was ok and he just wouldn’t move. Then, after a few seconds, his eyes get wide and he starts to shake like really bad. People ran over trying to like say stuff to him but he doesn’t say anything, just falls over and drops all his stuff.
COLLIN GOSSEL: Holy cow, Mercury, are you ok?
MERCURY: Yeah I’m fine. I mean, I think. What was really scary was as soon as they pick him up and carry him out, the same thing happens to one of the people who helped him. Like it’s spreading. Like maybe we all in there have it.
COLLIN GOSSEL: Wait, Mercury, are you saying there’s some sort of viral infection spreading around the ship?
MERCURY: I don’t know man, the Doctor wants to see everyone who was in the commissary and I just hope I don’t have whatever made that happen. It was seriously scary. I was just hanging out, you know? Not even doing anything!
COLLIN GOSSEL: Keep calm, Mercury, I’m sure it will all be taken care of soon. In the meantime, thanks for the update and we’ll be sure to watch this situation closely here on Deep Space Radio.
Day 12
COLLIN GOSSEL: Hi there everyone this is Collin Gossel and you’re listening to Deep Space Radio.
The mood has been tense aboard the Cloudbreather as this unknown illness sweeps through passengers and livestock alike. More reports of passengers seizing and passing out accompany increased headaches, fever, and congestion. Meanwhile, the ship itself is in the best shape it's ever been. Speaking with Chief Engineer Paulson, she had this to say:
TASHA: Systems aren’t just working well. They’re working too well. An STS below 100 shouldn’t be able to convert deutronium at more than 5 light grams per mole. We’re doing 7 right now. If the Captain had tried to do that a week ago, we’d all be dead. I wouldn’t have put it past him, but it wasn’t possible. Now it is.
COLLIN GOSSEL: The Captain has been hard to track down during this crisis, but a group of concerned passengers did manage to confront him as he was forced to travel from his quarters to the bridge. Here’s what he had to say:
CAPTAIN DONNELL: Yes, of course, well we’re doing everything we can and, uh, obviously this isn’t the sort of thing one expects, but I’m trained to improvise and adapt and I am a licensed pilot so that’s what I’m going to do. Everything is going to be fine. Pinky promise. Pinky promise!
COLLIN GOSSEL: Finally, Doctor Lake has been doing her best to discover the cause of these strange symptoms, but pushback from some passengers has forced her to issue this announcement:
DOCTOR LAKE: Um hi, everyone, I know you know this is a serious situation. Obviously, I’m doing everything I can, but I can’t treat you if you choose not to report what’s happening and refuse to see me in the infirmary. Yes, I’m running tests on some passengers to try and determine what’s happening, but the tests are non-invasive and totally harmless. Please please trust me and if anything happens to you or someone you care about, come to infirmary right away. Thank you.
COLLIN GOSSEL: It seems the problem is being approached from every angle as tensions continue to rise. I only hope they don’t spill over any time soon.
Day 13
COLLIN GOSSEL: Hi everyone, this is Collin Gossel, welcome back to Deep Space Radio.
And that didn’t take long! With the strange happenings aboard the ship, from the unexplained illnesses to the seemingly impossible repair of all technological systems, eyes have naturally turned to the strange artifact we picked up in deep space last week. Bradley Theed, head of the Passenger Activism Association and an outspoken critic of the decision to bring the artifact aboard, has gained a mass of excitable followers. They held a rally today on the main concourse outside of Ruth’s Bar. Here’s a clip from the event:
BRADLEY: Are we just going to sit around, getting sicker by the day, while a team of scientists study the thing responsible? I call on the Captain to destroy the artifact as soon as possible. There’s no discovery worth risking the necks of the entire ship When will they listen? When will they care? When we start to die? It’s only a matter of time before it happens!
RUTH: Hey! Bradley! You ever want to drink in my bar again, you better cool it fast.
BRADLEY: I’m just looking out for our safety, Ruth! RUTH: Sure, nothing safer than a riot. Get out of here, all of you. You’re blocking my entrance.
BRADLEY: We have a permit to be here!
RUTH: What was that?
BRADLEY: Ok, we can move down the road a little, come on everyone!
COLLIN GOSSEL: As protests continue outside the docking bay, Professor Bolin is working around the clock to see if there’s any connection between our illness and the artifact. Hopefully he discovers something soon.
Day 14
COLLIN GOSSEL: Hello everyone, this is Collin Gossel on Deep Space Radio. Today, I have some news I’d rather not have to share. Yesterday afternoon, the heart-rate monitors connected to a patient in sick bay started going off. Doctor Lake and Kit Casteele responded instantly, the infirmary was cleared so they could do their work. It was an up-and-down battle for several hours as they managed to pull their patient in and out of consciousness.
But, finally, at 4pm yesterday, our favorite newborn lamb Cottonball passed due to the unknown ailment. Kit Casteele was obviously devastated and could not be reached for comment. She was seen back on the agricultural deck, tending to her other sick animals with the assistance of Tasha Paulson, a rare appearance of the Chief outside of engineering.
When asked whether Cottonball’s passing may be in some way connected to the artifact, Professor Bolin had this to say:
BOLIN: As easy as it may be to ascribe this ailment to one new variable, there is nothing in modern science that would suggest this spreading illness is connected to a dormant hunk of metal. There’s simply no evidence, even with all the fields of study I’ve covered. As sad as it is to say, the lamb’s passing was more likely caused by an error on the part of the animal handler, perhaps a slip in quarantine protocols or contamination in their food or water.
COLLIN GOSSEL: Either way, a small virtual memorial service will be held for Cottonball tonight at 6pm. All are invited to join via their vis displays to avoid potential infection, as nearly everyone on board is now displaying some sort of symptom.
Day 15
COLLIN GOSSEL: Hi there everyone, this is Collin Gossel and you’re listening to Deep Space Radio.
The Cloudbreather is in an absolute uproar, those of us who are still up and about. The Passenger Activism Association, lead by Bradley Theed, is putting inescapable pressure on the Captain to destroy the Artifact, any scientific discoveries it may yield be damned. Concern over the first casualty of the strange illness, the newborn lamb Cottonball, is universal. Responding to Professor Bolin’s implication that her care may have lead to the death, Kit Castille had this to say:
KIT: Well, you know what, I know how to work with animals and I’ve never seen Professor Bolin around here and you know what? I’ll say it. And I’m sorry about this, but that - what he said? That’s really rude. Anyway, I’m sorry, but it’s just really rude.
Other passengers are also - wait, I’m receiving breaking news. Speak of the devil, it’s an audio message from Professor Bolin himself, intended for the whole ship. Here it is now:
BOLIN: Hello everyone, Professor Bolin here. I have some incredible, eye-opening news! By studying the data collected by Doctor Lake, inexperienced as she may be, I’ve concluded that the artifact we picked up in deep space is somehow responsible for the strange happenings on board the ship. It’s giving off and receiving no measurable signals but there is a miniscule vibration happening at the quantum level - as the quantum vibration increases, so do the effects we see aboard the ship. It seems this pyramid of metal is acting as a kind of conduit, channeling the bio-energy of the ship's living creatures into nearby electrical systems, improving and repairing them in the process.
This is, obviously, a massive discovery. My colleagues on Chen would be awe-struck at what we’ve found. The principles and purpose behind a technology such as this boggle the mind! Perhaps it was never meant to come into contact with life and this is simply an unfortunate side effect. Perhaps it was left deliberately, a trap to weaken potential invaders into this territory. There’s so much we don’t know, it’s a refreshing and exciting feeling. And yes, not ideal from a safety standpoint. But at the moment, I highly discourage the idea of destroying the artifact! We don’t yet understand the nature of our connection to the object or what could potentially be gained from studying it. We should not be severing our only potential link to understanding!
Alright, it looks like the artifact we picked up in deep space with strange alien symbols was actually not such a good idea! Listen, you live you learn. The question is, what will we do now?
Day 16
COLLIN GOSSEL: Hello everyone, this is Collin Gossel and welcome back to Deep Space Radio.
We’re going live now to the Bridge where Captain Donnell is about to make a big announcement concerning the Artifact that has been siphoning our life energy. Here he is now:
CAPTAIN DONNELL: Uh, hello everyone. Captain Donnell here. Obviously, it’s been a wild few days with the news that the artifact is making us all sick somehow. I’ve heard from Professor Bolin, Doctor Lake, and crowds of passengers demanding something be done. I’m your Captain, I’m supposed to do what you want me to. If you’re all frighteningly angry with me, I must be doing something wrong. And so I’m here to say: very well. I’m ordering that the Artifact be destroyed as soon as possible. I believe this will put an end to the illnesses and satisfy those among us who worry I don’t have your best interests at heart. Thank you.
Well there you have it folks! It seems our troubles are nearly over.
Day 17
COLLIN GOSSEL: Hello everybody, this is Collin Gossel and welcome back to Deep Space Radio. What you’re hearing right now is a live feed from the docking bay, where Professor Bolin, under the supervision of Captain Donnell, is preparing to destroy the artifact that’s siphoning our life force. The repairs it made ot the ship really are fantastic, but sadly we need to be alive to enjoy them.
For those who aren’t watching the video feed, the artifact, a metallic pyramid about the height of a person, has been surrounded by an implosion field. Doctor Bolin is now stepping up to the console to address the gathered team:
BOLIN: Hello everyone. As you can see, this device should render enough inward force to completely crush the artifact. I’d once again like to put on record that I protest this course of action and do not know what it will result in. This is a completely untouched field of study.
DONNELL: Your objections are noted, Professor. Please continue.
BOLIN: Very well.
COLLIN GOSSEL: Alright, silence in the bay now as Doctor Bolin…pushes a slider. Nothing yet. The…ah….the artifact is just sitting…there. There’s a…a strange hum it seems. He’s increasing the pressure.
SOUNDBITE: Shouting from the deck as the hum swells. People are falling! I’m having trouble…I’m…
CAPTAIN DONNELL: Bolin, turn it off! Turn it off!
COLLIN GOSSEL: Sorry, everyone…we - I can’t -
SOUNDBITE: the humming gets louder as Collin falls out of his seat and the screams in the docking bay continue.
Day 18
COLLIN GOSSEL: Hello everyone, this is Collin Gossel and we’re back here at Deep Space Radio.
The ship does its best to recover today following yesterday’s attempt to destroy the Artifact. It has now been made clear in no uncertain terms that we are all connected to it in a more intimate way than was initially assumed, and that any damage done to it will be felt by all of us. Although no one was seriously harmed, the procedure yesterday resulted in debilitating pain, loss of faculties, and near unconsciousness for everyone on board the Cloudbreather. We are all incredibly lucky that Doctor Bolin programmed a dead man’s switch into his machinery, resulting in a deactivation if he were to let go for any reason.
Bolin released a slightly-too-excited statement saying that he continues to research the nature of our connection to the artifact. He doubts leaving the artifact behind in space would save us now that the connection has been established but he’s hoping to find a way to sever it before people begin suffering permanent medical consequences. The infirmary is already full of patients, some more serious than others, but none showing any signs of improving despite Doctor Lake’s best efforts.
We’ll continue to monitor this situation as it develops, folks. But our scientists seem fairly certain - if a solution is not found soon, our health will continue to deteriorate until…well, until that’s it for us.
Day 19
COLLIN GOSSEL: Hi gang, it’s Collin Gossel and this is Deep Space Radio. Well, I’m not going to mince words folks. The vibes are not ideal. With a potentially alien artifact sucking our lives away and no answer of how to stop it, passengers have been keeping to themselves, quiet and fearful. The only community in seemingly high spirits are our computerized colleagues who, thanks to the artifact’s boost of all technological systems, find themselves more energized and capable than ever before. To find out what this is like, and try to bolster morale a little bit, I once again met up with Annie Maddox, this time at her general store. Here’s our conversation: Annie, how have you been lately?
ANNIE: Collin! It feels terrible to say, but I’ve been amazing. Like I know everyone with a body has been having a rough time and I know the computerized passengers are in danger too because who knows if this thing just blows up the whole ship or what, but it’s like my brain has just shifted into overdrive. I’m thinking so much faster, I can just see and understand like everything at once. You know how the last time we talked I mentioned it usually takes years of training to do the celestial navigation stuff? Well it’s like no problem for me now. It’s all just clicking and I feel like I am in complete control.
COLLIN GOSSEL: Oh wow! So I guess you were right before, nothing to miss with the old body! I mean if you had one, you’d be sick just like the rest of us.
ANNIE: Oh! Uh, yeah. Definitely.
COLLIN GOSSEL: You don’t sound so sure.
ANNIE: Ok, here’s the thing. Obviously, whenever you make a big change in your life, it’s not weird to feel like something is missing. So when I uploaded my mind, which is something I never planned on doing, I figured it would take time but after I got used to this new way of living, it wouldn’t feel that way so much. But now, with this artifact boosting my sensory input, I feel like I’m getting years of experience in days. And I still feel weirdly…empty.
COLLIN GOSSEL: Is it that you miss physical sensations, like tasting food?
ANNIE: That’s not it - I can see, touch, remember things as well as I ever did with a body. Maybe more. I think there are things I planned to do, things that are still a part of me, that I can never have like this.
COLLIN GOSSEL: Things like what?
ANNIE: Jeez, this is such a bummer. Didn’t you come here to boost morale? Let’s bring over someone with a positive outlook - Officer Maxwell, out on a walk I see. Get over here!
MAXWELL: Hey Annie, hey Collin, everything ship shape? Just doing the ole’ nightly patrol.
COLLIN GOSSEL: I don’t know if a patrol is necessary, Officer. Anyone who would normally be committing crimes is probably sick in bed. You’re probably feeling pretty sick yourself.
MAXWELL: Really it’s the least I can do. I’m supposed to keep people safe but I’m just standing around, killing time as they waste away in their beds. I should have stopped all this when I had the chance.
ANNIE: Harold, what are you talking about?
MAXWELL: I knew that thing was a security risk! I knew it! We didn’t need to bring it on board but the scientists and the senior staff were all so thrilled, and I don’t even know what they’re talking about half the time. The Captain asked all of us whether we thought we should bring it on board and I said ‘sure. Why not?’ Why not?! A million reasons why not, and I knew them, and I said nothing. My one job, to keep us safe, and I can’t even say one thing.
COLLIN GOSSEL: Hey now, Max, I don’t know much about any of this but I know for certain it isn’t your fault. We all signed up for this.
ANNIE: And hey, you know what? I’ve actually got something I could really use your help with if you have the time.
MAXWELL: Really? Of course, what’s up?
ANNIE: Well all my employees at the general store are out sick and I really need someone to look after the plants. They’ve been wilting under the influence of the artifact but if you could stop by every now and then maybe we could save a couple.
MAXWELL: Don’t you worry, Annie, I’ll work it into my patrols, you have nothing to worry about.
ANNIE: Well thank goodness, that’s a load off my mind. Ladies and gentlemen, when it comes to the forces of evil, our plants have nothing to worry about. Try to keep those spirits up, you’re listening to Deep Space Radio.
Day 20
COLLIN GOSSEL: Hi everyone, this is Collin Gossel and you are listening to Deep Space Radio.
The crisis continues, ladies and gentlemen. As illnesses get more serious and sick bay expands into nearby storage rooms, ship leadership has been seemingly unable to come up with a course of action to save us. With some effort, I was able to track down Captain Donnell in a shadowy corner of Ruth’s bar and ask him some of the hard hitting questions you’ve all been sending in. Here he is:
CAPTAIN DONNELL (tipsy): Oh Collin, yes, I’d of course love to answer your questions. Please sit down with the Captain. Thank you. So, Captain Donnell, I guess the biggest question everyone on the ship has is what are you doing about the artifact?
CAPTAIN DONNELL: Collin Collin Collin Collin Collin. Radio station host. What do you think I should do? Cause I’ll tell you what - they do not prepare you for situations like this. It’s all flight plans, priority decision-making, engine mechanics. And I’ll tell you - I wasn’t even the best at those things.
COLLIN GOSSEL: Yes, I know sir.
CAPTAIN DONNELL: The whole family expected me to be a Captain. They said go with the Cloudbreather - not even you could screw that up. Well I guess I proved them all wrong!
COLLIN GOSSEL: Captain, you’re not doing that bad.
CAPTAIN DONNELL: I know how Captains are supposed to be, Collin. Strong and confident and decisive and military. Like Claudio over there? You see him? You see how people love him? They wish I was like that.
CLAUDIO: Twisted around and boom! Gone. Ha! Hey, how about another drink for the star, huh? Can you all believe I’m here? Crazy, right? All the things I’ve done, all the spots I’ve got out of, and I might die here. On this rickety, old, second-hand, boring-ass colony ship with a bunch of panicky small-towners, never been off-planet in their lives. What the hell was I thinking? Hey, bartender, what about that drink?
RUTH: You’re cut off.
CLAUDIO: Woh, hey you may not know who I am -
RUTH: Oh everyone knows exactly who you are. You’re our patronizing, arrogant, ignorant, self-absorbed, skirt-chasing, loud-mouthed, good-for-nothing pilot who hates the fact he might die alongside a bunch of lowly regulars. Well guess what, star? You’re cut off. Get out.
CLAUDIO: Fine. Shithole anyway.
COLLIN GOSSEL: I don’t know, Captain, I think I’d rather be you right now.
CAPTAIN DONNELL: Ahh they have more in common than they realize. Probably be friends before long.
COLLIN GOSSEL: I don’t think so.
CAPTAIN DONNELL: Reminds me of something I once I wrote. “Two souls hardened by pressure and time, they return what they receive.”
COLLIN GOSSEL: Captain, you’re waxing poetic again, I think you’ve had enough.
CAPTAIN DONNELL: “…they return what they receive.” Huh. Pardon me, I have to, uh, check something.
COLLIN GOSSEL: And that was my conversation with the Captain, folks! He ran off right after than, knocking several chairs over as he went to what was surely a very important meeting with the water closet. We’re all clearly going to be fine.
Day 21
COLLIN GOSSEL: Hello everyone, this is Collin Gossel and you’re listening to Deep Space Radio.
Big news today as we go live to the bridge, where Captain Donnell has an important announcement. Here he is:
CAPTAIN DONNELL: Uh yes, thank you all for being here. I have some big news. It’s not a sure thing yet, but I believe we may have a solution to the crisis of the artifact. Last night, contemplating over a brandy as one does, I had an idea. When we damage the artifact it hurts us. Perhaps if we inflict suffering on ourselves, it will feed back into the artifact. Stay with me, stay with me! I spoke with Professor Bolin and Doctor Lake this morning and they believe this may be a viable solution. I’ve brought them with me to explain in more detail.
PROFESSOR BOLIN: Yes, as surprising as it feels to say, I think the science may support Captain Donnell’s theory. Though the connection itself defies understanding, initial tests do suggest it works in both directions. And, not unlike the way sea-faring predators suffer from mercury poisoning after collecting many non-lethal doses from their prey, it may be possible to deal the artifact serious harm without suffering any casualties. Though I will not mince words: it will be unpleasant. Doctor Lake?
DOCTOR LAKE: Yes, hello. After talking with the Captain and the Professor, I think I’ve been able to design an artificial virus that we can mass-produce and infect ourselves with. I’ve also designed an anti-virus that will cure us almost instantly. But like Professor Bolin said, this isn’t like a fake illness. It’s real. We’re not passing the illness to the artifact, we’re passing our life energy, the actual suffering, so it has to actually suck.
CAPTAIN DONNELL: Look, I know this is more than any of you signed up for, and I can’t order anyone to infect themselves if they don’t want to, but this seems like the only way. This is our best bet to beat the artifact and survive. Inoculations will begin in sick bay immediately. I hope you all choose to be there. Thank you.
Well, passengers of the Cloudbreather, it’s been a hard couple of weeks and it doesn’t seem like they’re going to get easier any time soon. But now it seems we all have a choice on our hands.
Day 22
COLLIN GOSSEL: Hi there everyone, I’m Collin Gossel and this is Deep Space Radio.
I’m coming to you live from outside the infirmary where Doctor Lake has been available all day to infect passengers with her artificial virus. Sadly, however, I would describe the amount of people arriving for the procedure as a “trickle.” Doctor Lake is here with me now with her comments on the situation:
DOCTOR LAKE: This is very bad. If not enough people choose to receive the virus, then we may not be able to destroy the artifact and everyone who DOES get infected will have suffered for nothing. Where could everyone be?
DOCTOR LAKE: I mean, it seems obvious right? They don’t trust me. They wouldn’t show up for their physicals, they wouldn’t come to me even when they were getting sick, why would they show up now when I say I’m going to make them suffer? I wish I could show them I can help them. Now what are we going to do?
COLLIN GOSSEL: I’m not sure, Doctor, I - wait a minute? Do you hear that?
DOCTOR LAKE: Yeah. What is it?
COLLIN GOSSEL: It sounds like…a crowd! Coming down the corridor. Oh my god, they’ve just rounded the bend, it’s a huge group of people. They’re being lead by Bradley Theed, head of the Passenger Activism Association. They’re walking into the infirmary!
BRADLEY: Is it too late to receive the inoculations, Doctor?
DOCTOR LAKE: No, of course not! I just didn’t think so many of you would be coming.
BRADLEY: Well, I had to say a couple things to whip people into gear. But it seems like you’re looking out for us so I’ll look out for you. Where do I sit?
DOCTOR LAKE: Right this way!
COLLIN GOSSEL: Among the crowd I see two familiar faces, exozoologist Kit Castille and Head Engineer Tasha Paulson. Kit, how do you feel about receiving the virus?
KIT: Look, I just don’t want to lose anyone else.
TASHA: Move. Now.
COLLIN GOSSEL: Of course. God, she’s cool. Ah, and here’s another cool lady, teenager Mercury Theed of Deck Seven. Mercury, were you surprised to see your Dad lead this whole crowd to the infirmary?
MERCURY: Alright, he doesn’t make me want to die. He’s still not cool. But that’s pretty cool.
COLLIN GOSSEL: Alright, folks, it looks like that’s all for now -
DOCTOR LAKE: Collin, it’s your turn.
COLLIN GOSSEL: …Shit. Fine.
Day 23
COLLIN GOSSEL: Hey everyone, I’m Collin Gossel and this is Deep Space Radio. For better or worse, the plan is in progress. With 94% of the Cloudbreather receiving an inoculation with the artificial virus, unpleasant symptoms are already in full swing across the ship. I can personally attest to a scratchy throat, congestion, and bouts of nausea. And Doctor Lake says the virus is designed to get worse, not better. As the ship hunkers down and prepares for a war of attrition with the artifact, I caught up with Doctor Lake in the infirmary and found her uncharacteristically reserved. Here’s a snippet of our conversation:
You must be proud, Doctor. A 94% inoculation rate is a spectacular show of faith in your abilities from the ship.
DOCTOR LAKE: I mean it totally is, right? And, you know, I thought I was ready for it. But this is just really different from what I thought. When I was being certified at the University, I aced all of my tests but some of my teachers refused to pass me because they said I didn’t have the “proper demeanor” for a physician. Some random dean had to push my certification through. Maybe they shouldn’t have.
COLLIN GOSSEL: What do you mean?
DOCTOR LAKE: Well I’m supposed to be a doctor! I took an oath to do no harm! But here I am creating viruses and making people sick on purpose. I’m throwing together random treatments to slow down an illness I don’t understand at all. And I didn’t expect any of it, didn’t see it coming. Maybe I am in over my head.
COLLIN GOSSEL: I think that’s the perfect message of comfort from our dear Doctor to leave you on as we throw to the next song. Stay safe out there, everyone.
Day 24
COLLIN GOSSEL: Hello listeners, I’m Collin Gossel and you’re listening to Deep Space Radio.
As the artificial virus continues to worsen, with no noticeable effect on the artifact so far, the vibe among passengers has been quiet, fearful, and sickly. On the main concourse, Lu VanHorne held his daily worship service, normally attended by less than a handful. Today, he addressed a crowd of over 100. Here’s a snippet from his sermon:
LU: We must remember that our sense of self is a shield from the seemingly harsh truth of our minuscule part in the celestial order. But in the celestial order, no part is small or insignificant, each role is an essential part of the neverending. And after this brief, chaotic life we will return to the calm order of the stars.
COLLIN GOSSEL: One passenger who’s less than thrilled by the idea of returning to the celestial order is the belle of the Cloudbreather, octogenarian Martha Crittle. Despite her age and recent operation, Martha shocked many by choosing to become infected with the artificial virus. When asked about her choice, she had this to say:
MARTHA: What, you think I came along on this ride to sit in the back and let the young people do all the dangerous stuff? I knew what I was signing up for, Collin, and it was not to be carried along while others hurt on my behalf.
COLLIN GOSSEL: But Martha, the virus could have even worse effects on a woman your age!
MARTHA: First off, the next time you say “a woman your age” to me, I will hit you. I swear I will. Second, a woman my age has had plenty of time. Better use what I have left to help.
COLLIN GOSSEL: Martha is doing great, everyone, and I can confirm she physically hit me before the conversation was over. As passengers get sicker and sicker and the ship accelerates to previously impossible speeds, I only hope we survive to see our destination.
Day 25
COLLIN GOSSEL: Hi guys, this is Collin Gossel and this is Deep Space Radio. Everyone feels like shit. The entire ship is running a fever with prolonged naseau and bouts of dizziness, Doctor Lake advises all but the most essential workers stay in bed and hydrate. Full disclosure, I was told I should not be doing this show in my current state, but let’s see any of their sick asses drag themselves all the way up to the top deck to take me off the air. Oh jeez. The good news I guess is that the Cloudbreather itself has never been better. By any measurable statistic, it is now the fastest, most efficient colony ship in human history. If we weren’t all dying, some estimates believe we’d arrive at Beta a full year ahead of schedule. When asked about the state of her beloved starship, Chief Engineer Tasha Paulson had this to say:
TASHA: Don’t make me say it, ok?
COLLIN GOSSEL: What?
TASHA: I’d rather the ship was falling apart again, ok? Are you happy?
COLLIN GOSSEL: For sure, Chief. And with the ship’s corporeal passengers out for count, it’s a good thing our computerized colleagues are reaching super-human levels of processing power to pick up the slack. In fact, they’re now moving so quickly, they’ve retreated into their own business. They’ve left messages so we know what’s going on but no one has actually spoken with General store owner Annie Maddox or any of the navigators for several days.
The compounding effect of both the artifact and the manufactured virus have begun to take a serious toll on passengers with weaker immune systems. Many young and elderly patients are now consigned to sick bay indefinitely. And yet, through all of this suffering, there has been no change to the artifact. Is it possible this plan was never going to work? Are we killing ourselves for no reason at all? A few questions to mull over as I play a catchy beat.
Day 26
COLLIN GOSSEL: Hello everybody, I’m Collin Gossel and welcome back to Deep Space Radio.
Exciting news everyone, if any of you can summon to the energy to celebrate it. A tiny crack appeared today in the corner of the artifact. Of course it’s unclear whether the crack was, in fact, caused by our efforts.
Meanwhile, there’s hardly a passenger left able to move about and do their work, and dozens are in serious condition, monitored non-stop in the infirmary. Bradley Theed today approached Captain Donnell, voicing the question on all of our minds: “Will people start to die before we manage to destroy the artifact?” Captain Donnell issued a statement in response:
CAPTAIN DONNELL: I understand how you all feel. I feel it too. But we can’t stop now. I must see this through.
You heard The Captain, folks. We’re in it to win it. And I hope we win it soon because, if you all feel anything like I do, we won’t be lasting much longer.
Day 27
COLLIN GOSSEL: Everyone, this is Collin Gossel on Deep Space Radio, dragging myself with what little adrenaline I have left up to my desk. I’ve heard the cracks in the artifact have started to widen at a visible rate and I’m now booting up my vid systems to see…yes. It’s true! What remains of the science team is observing as the artifact begins to crumble. I can even see it here on the console.
SOUNDBITE: Buzzing.
COLLIN GOSSEL: Something’s happening, it’s like a strange feedback loop in the air. The science team is falling to its knees, but there’s nothing we can do now, this is happening. Oh my God…the artifact is lifting into the air. The cracks continue to spread, it’s four feet off the ground now, and beginning to rotate.
SOUNDBITE: The buzzing intensifies, there are shouts coming from the docking bay.
COLLIN GOSSEL: There's…light! Coming out of the cracks, getting brighter. The lights here are *flickering,* I’m beginning to suspect something is happening. I’m definitely having trouble breathing.
The artifact is getting brighter and brighter, I can’t even see it any -
SOUNDBITE: Distortion cuts Collin off! The noises take on a strange, overwhelming quality until, finally, a voice cuts through, low and echoing and monstrous:
THE VOICE: ……COME BAAAAACK…
[Radio fizzles out]
To find out what happens next, search Deep Space Radio wherever you get your podcasts!
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