Episode Two
The Lion and the Adder – Episode 2 - Transcript
SCENE 1
A SMALL, QUIET ROOM. NICHOLAS IS ALONE, GIVING HIMSELF A PEP TALK AS HE PACES BACK AND FORTH.
NICHOLAS: Come on, Hawthorn. Pull yourself together. You can do this. You were at Gallipoli, for pity's sake - you fight demons for a living! You can face a couple of-
MRS SAMSON ENTERS
MRS SAMSON: They're ready for you now, Inspector.
NICHOLAS: A-Already? (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
MRS SAMSON: I'll bring you through.
NICHOLAS: Right. (TO HIMSELF) Just pretend they're puppies. Just little puppies.
SCENE 2
NICHOLAS IS SHOWN INTO A CLASSROOM FULL OF CHILDREN TALKING.
GLADWELL: Thank you, Mrs Samson. That'll be all. Now, everyone! (THE CHILDREN FALL QUIET) Please give our very special guest a warm welcome!
THERE IS QUIET, SCATTERED APPLAUSE THAT FADES ALMOST IMMEDIATELY.
NICHOLAS: Good morning, everyone.
PAUSE. NICHOLAS CLEARS HIS THROAT.
NICHOLAS: My name is Nicholas Hawthorn and I'm a policeman. I'm here to talk to you today about what it's like being a- (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY_ Well, a- a policeman.
PAUSE
BOY 1: Where's your helmet?
NICHOLAS: Uh. I don't have a helmet. I'm a detective, you see, and we wear plain clothes - that is, we don't wear-
BOY 2: Do you do murders?
NICHOLAS: Do I do murders? No. I-I catch murderers, sometimes-
THIS, FINALLY, IS OF INTEREST. THERE'S A CLAMOUR OF EXCITEMENT AND CHILDREN'S VOICES OVERLAP THEY CALL OUT THEIR QUESTIONS
BOY 2: How many murders do you do in a week?
BOY 1: But policemen have to wear helmets or the robbers hit them on the head-
BOY 3: Are you going to arrest us?
MALCOLM: What's the biggest- The most bad-
GLADWELL: (VOICE RISING ABOVE THE RACKET) Quiet! (THE BOYS FALL QUIET) Detective Inspector Hawthorn is here to tell us all about what it's like working as a policeman, and you boys need to be on your best behaviour and listen politely. If you have any questions you can raise your hand and wait for the Inspector to call on you. Is that clear?
THE BOYS: (CHORUS) Yes, Mr Gladwell.
GLADWELL: Good. Carry on, Inspector.
NICHOLAS: Um. Thank you. (CLEARS THROAT) Well, as Mr Gladwell says, I'm a detective. A lot of the policemen you might see out and about, wearing their uniforms and so on, they're ordinary police officers. They're there to stop crimes from happening or to catch people when they do... crime. W-What I do, though, is, when someone commits a crime and we don't know who did it, it's my job to find out. And, you know, I-I do that by... By looking for clues and putting them all together, like a... Like a jigsaw puzzle! And working out who, uh. Who d-did it.
A LONG AND THOROUGHLY UNIMPRESSED PAUSE
NICHOLAS: Lots of those crimes are murders.
IMMEDIATE AND RAPTUROUS INTEREST
THE BOYS: Mr Nicholas! Detective! Sir, please, sir, me, sir!
NICHOLAS: Y-you, you at the front there.
BOY 2: (SUCCESS) Yesss! What's the worst murder you ever saw?
NICHOLAS: Oh, gosh, that's a tough one. Um. I saw a fellow who'd been turned inside out once. That was pretty nasty.
A COLLECTIVE GASP OF HORROR
NICHOLAS: Uh-! Sorry! Sorry, I-I shouldn't--
EXTREMELY EXCITED SOUNDS OF DISGUST AND A BARRAGE OF QUESTIONS. ONE VOICE MANAGES TO RISE ABOVE THE REST
BOY3: Was there blood everywhere?
BOY1: Did you get any in your mouth?
BOY2: What did it smell like?
MALCOLM: Mr Nicholas! Mr Nicholas! MIS-TER NICH-O-LAAAAS!!!
NICHOLAS: Yes! Yes! For goodness' sake, what is it?
MALCOLM: (CATCHING HIS BREATH) Mr Nillock- Nicholas, when- Um- How do- what is it when-
GLADWELL: Breathe, Malcolm.
MALCOLM: When they're inside out, is it that all their insides are outside, or is it that all their insides are all inside out too?
NICHOLAS: I, um... Mr Gladwell...?
GLADWELL: Yes?
NICHOLAS REALISES HE'S EXPECTED SIGHS.
NICHOLAS: His insides were inside out too.
A CHORUS OF DELIGHTED REVULSION.
OPENING CREDITS
THEME MUSIC PLAYS
H.R. OWEN: The Lion and the Adder. Created by H.R. Owen and starring H.R Owen as Robin Sylvester, Paul Warren as Nicholas Hawthorn, and Méabh de Brún as Evelyn 'Bash' Sebastian. Episode Two.
THEME MUSIC ENDS
SCENE 3
NICHOLAS AND GLADWELL RECONVENE OVER A CUP OF TEA WHILE THE BOYS PLAY OUTSIDE.
NICHOLAS: I'm afraid I don't think they learnt anything about joining the force.
GLADWELL: Oh, I shouldn't worry. They enjoyed themselves. Besides, they all want to be motorcycle racers at the moment. Except for Malcolm, who wants to be a mermaid.
NICHOLAS: Well, it's good for a boy to have ambitions.
GLADWELL: (LAUGHS) Yes, I suppose. Did you always want to be a policeman?
NICHOLAS: Pretty well. That or a postie. (LAUGHS) How about you?
GLADWELL: I was going to be a priest. Joined the seminary and everything. But it didn't stick. You're not much like the fellows who usually do this.
NICHOLAS: (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) Oh, I know, sorry. There's a reason I'm not often wheeled out for these things.
GLADWELL: No, not at all! I thought you were marvellous.
NICHOLAS: ...really?
GLADWELL: Every bit the dashing detective.
NICHOLAS: Oh, that's- Ha. Well. You- You're very kind.
GLADWELL: I just meant I haven't seen you before, that's all.
NICHOLAS: No, I'm standing in for the chap who was down to do it. He's out sick. Sergeant Wicklow, I think his nephew's a student here?
GLADWELL: Ah, yes. Harry Wicklow, that'll be. I see. You don't have a connection to Sacred Heart, then? I mean, you won't... It'll be someone else, next time?
NICHOLAS: Yeah, I expect so. I'm usually busy-
GLADWELL: No, I understand. Of course.
NICHOLAS: I-I could... Well, I-I could give you my card, if you want?
GLADWELL: Certainly.
NICHOLAS DOES SO.
NICHOLAS: It's not a private line but they'll be able to take a message for you if I'm not around.
GLADWELL: Thank you. I say, you're not the Inspector Hawthorn who works with that Sylvester chap, are you? The demonologist?
NICHOLAS: Uh, he works with me. And only if we really need-
GLADWELL: But you do know him? How wonderful! Is he as clever as he seems in the papers?
NICHOLAS: No!
A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. IT OPENS AND MRS SAMSON ENTERS.
MRS SAMSON: Inspector? There's a telephone call for you at reception.
NICHOLAS: Oh. Uh. Thank you, uh...
GLADWELL: I should be getting back anyway. Playtime's almost over, the boys will be coming in soon.
NICHOLAS: Of course. It was a pleasure to meet you, Mr Gladwell.
GLADWELL: And you, Inspector.
MRS SAMSON: Just this way, sir.
SHE LEADS HIM OUT TOWARDS THE RECEPTION OFFICE
SCENE 4
NICHOLAS PICKS UP THE PHONE IN THE OFFICE.
NICHOLAS: Hawthorn, speaking. Mm-hm. I see. What was the address again? (OFF) Can I get a pen and paper? Thanks.
MRS SAMSON FETCHES HIM A SHEET OF PAPER. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT AND TURNS HIS ATTENTION BACK TO THE CALLER, WRITING DOWN THE ADDRESS AS HE HEARS IT
NICHOLAS: Yep, go ahead. O...kay. Right. I'll, um. I'll get a cab round, be about, uh, twenty minutes, alright? Goodbye.
HE HANGS UP.
NICHOLAS: Do you mind if I place a call?
MRS SAMSON: Please, feel free.
NICHOLAS LIFTS THE RECEIVER ONCE MORE
NICHOLAS: Mayfair 2729, please.
SCENE 5
MORNING IN ROBIN'S BEDROOM. OUTSIDE, BIRDS ARE SINGING AND THE TRAFFIC TRUNDLES ON.
PUDDLE IS SITTING UP IN BED, READING. AS HE TURNS THE PAGEES, ROBIN STIRS, STRETCHES AND YAWNS.
PUDDLE: Morning, Silly.
ROBIN GRUNTS IN SURPRISE.
ROBIN: Puddle? You still here?
PUDDLE: No, I'm a figment of your imagination. A hallucination brought on by overwork! (LAUGHS)
ROBIN: That doesn't sound very likely.
PUDDLE: It doesn't, does it.
ROBIN: Helping yourself to my coffee?
PUDDLE: It's my coffee. I made it. Here you go.
HE HANDS ROBIN THE COFFEE. ROBIN GRUNTS AND SITS UP WHILE PUDDLE FLIPS THROUGH THE JOURNAL HE'S READING.
ROBIN: What time is it?
PUDDLE: Crack of dawn. Barely even ten thirty. I say, your magazine selection really is woeful. Can't you get Tatler in, or The Field or something?
ROBIN: Those aren't magazines, Puddle. They're academic journals.
PUDDLE: Ah. No wonder there's no pictures.
HE FLIPS THE MAGAZINE CLOSED AND GIVES ROBIN HIS FULL ATTENTION.
PUDDLE: I had a lovely night last night, Sil. Always do, with you.
ROBIN: Oh. Uh, thanks. Same to you.
PUDDLE MAKES A PLEASED NOISE AND KISSES ROBIN ON THE CHEEK. PUDDLE SIGHS HAPPILY.
PUDDLE: Do you fancy getting breakfast or something? Closer to lunch at this point, really. Brunch, that's the word, isn't it? Funny they haven't done that with any other meals. It's always "afternoon tea", never "linner".
ROBIN: Um. Actually, I-I've got some work to be getting on with...
PUDDLE: Oh. Oh! Oh, right! (LAUGHS) When you said, 'Are you still here,' you meant, you know. Wish you weren't.
ROBIN: I wouldn't put it quite like that!
PUDDLE GETS UP AND STARTS TO DRESS.
PUDDLE: No. No of course you wouldn't. (LAUGHS) Right. Um. I'll just, uh, get my togs and get out of your hair.
ROBIN: I really did have a nice time, Puds.
PUDDLE: Course you did. I'm great fun. Everyone says so. Speaking of, are you going to Tolly's party next month? Roman-themed, togas and laurel crowns and all that sort of silliness.
ROBIN: Uh. Yes. Yes, I'll be there. We can go together if you'd like?
PUDDLE: Oh, I don't want to be a bother.
ROBIN: It's not a bother-
IN THE HALL, THE PHONE STARTS RINGING. ROBIN SIGHS.
ROBIN: Puddle, I-
PUDDLE: You should get that. Might be important.
ROBIN SIGHS AGAIN, AND GETS OUT OF BED.
SCENE 6
THE HALLWAY OF ROBIN'S FLAT. THE PHONE IS RINGING. ROBIN SNATCHES UP THE PHONE, ANNOYED.
ROBIN: Hello? (SOFTENING) Oh, hello. No, sorry. What's up? (PAUSE) Uh, yes, I suppose...
THE BEDROOM DOOR OPENS AGAIN AND PUDDLE COMES OUT, WALKING BRISKLY.
ROBIN: (DOWN THE PHONE) Hang on a tick. (TO PUDDLE) Puddle!
PUDDLE: Is my tie straight?
ROBIN: Yes. Yes, it's fine. Listen-
PUDDLE: Good-o. Sorry, again. Should have realised. (LAUGHS) Typical me, putting my foot in it.
ROBIN: You didn't, I was just- (DOWN THE PHONE) Yes, Collie, just hang on a second, would you?!
PUDDLE: Don't mind me! I'll see myself out.
HE KISSES ROBIN ON THE CHEEK.
ROBIN: Look, I'll phone you later, alright?
PUDDLE: Sure. Fine. That sounds fine. Toodle-oo.
THE FRONT DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS DECISIVELY. ROBIN SIGHS.
ROBIN: (DOWN THE PHONE) Nothing. Everything's fine. Where do you want me?
SCENE 7
OUTSIDE CLARENCE PARKS HOUSE. A SMALL CROWD HAS GATHERED IN THE STREET. ROBIN PUSHES HIS WAY THROUGH.
ROBIN: 'scuse me, terribly sorry! Mind if I just- Aha! Morning, Edwards. I'm in the right place then. You're on holy water duty, are you? Two fingers of the bishop's best, please.
EDWARDS: Sorry, sir, I can't let you in.
ROBIN: What? Oh don't be silly, Edwards, it's me! You know me.
EDWARDS: You can't go in unsupervised, sir. Those are the rules.
ROBIN: Unsupervised! I like that. Like I'm a wilful child in an antiques shop. (BEAT) You can't even let me into the garden?
EDWARDS: Just a precaution, sir. (SMILINGLY) In case you go rogue.
ROBIN: Ah. I take it all back. Very wise. I do have a rogueish streak, it must be said. Is Collie here yet?
EDWARDS: DI Hawthorn's inside, sir.
ROBIN: Edwards, please. I'm not your superior. You needn't call me 'sir'. (BEAT) I say, how much would it cost to get you to call him Collie?
EDWARDS: (LAUGHS) More than you're carrying, si- Mr Sylvester.
ROBIN: Mr, eh? Well, call it a compromise. And I could always write you an I.O.U. for the excess. No? Ah well. Worth a try. Oh, he's coming out now! Yoo-hoo! Collie!
NICHOLAS APPROACHES.
NICHOLAS: Do you mind not yoo-hooing at the crime scene, Robin? Doesn't really set the tone.
EDWARDS: Is Mr Sylvester alright to come in, sir?
NICHOLAS: Yes, give him a drink.
ROBIN: I always have the smallest thrill of fear whenever I do one of these. As if I really will take a sip and go up in smoke.
EDWARDS UNSCREWS A FLASK AND POURS WATER INTO A CUP.
EDWARDS: It's just a precaution, sir.
NICHOLAS: And not much of one, either - God knows you don't have to be possessed to make mischief.
ROBIN: Thank you, Collie. I shall take that as a compliment. Bottoms up!
HE KNOCKS THE WATER BACK.
ROBIN: Oh! What a relief.
EDWARDS: In you go, sir.
ROBIN: Edwards...!
EDWARDS: Mr Sylvester.
NICHOLAS: Come along, Robin.
HE LEADS HIM INTO THE GARDEN, PUTTING SOME DISTANCE BETWEEN THEM AND THE CROWD.
ROBIN: As to my yoo-hooing, how was I to know it was a crime scene? You were so delightfully enigmatic on the telephone. I was half expecting a secret rendezvous and a briefcase full of illicit photographs or government papers or something.
NICHOLAS: The police cordon didn't tip you off, no?
ROBIN: I'm not the detective of the partnership, my dear. Shouldn't like to muscle in on your territory. For all I knew, I had stumbled upon my young friend, DC Edwards, as she took a morning stroll and simply happened to-
NICHOLAS: (HALF SIGHING, HALF LAUGHING) Do you ever stop talking!
ROBIN: Certainly. Every Sunday at Westminster Meeting House, nice as you like. Otherwise, I've been told I fall relatively quiet between the hours of four and six in the morning. Now, what's all this about? And why couldn't you tell me over the phone?
NICHOLAS: Because I didn't want to scare the daylights out of the poor woman whose office I was using! I was doing a school visit.
ROBIN: Gosh! I didn't know you were available for events. Like a magician at a birthday party!
NICHOLAS: I can pull a penny out your ear if you like.
ROBIN: Make it a shilling and you're on. I assume there's something demonic going on you want to pick my brains about?
NICHOLAS: Suspected possession.
ROBIN: I see. Well, I can tell you one thing for nothing. We urgently need to consult with a short, dark-haired young woman with a curly bob, wearing, uh... spectacles and a man's jacket.
NICHOLAS: What?
ROBIN: She's just arrived.
EDWARDS: (OFF) Inspector Hawthorn?
NICHOLAS GROANS.
NICHOLAS: Damn. It's the psychic.
ROBIN: (DELIGHTED) The what?!
NICHOLAS ADDRESSES BASH AS SHE MAKES HER WAY OVER TO THEM.
NICHOLAS: Miss Sebastian. What are you doing here?
BASH: What do you think I'm doing? You're the one who ordered a psychic.
NICHOLAS: I requested Miss Barnes. I was very specific.
BASH: Well, your very specific Miss Barnes happened to slip in the bath this morning so you've got me instead. Yeah, I'm thrilled myself. What's the craic?
NICHOLAS: The "craic"-
ROBIN: Good morning! You're psychic?!
BASH: Uh...
NICHOLAS: For God's sake, Robin!
ROBIN: I don't mean it badly! Collie said you were. Sorry. Robin Sylvester, how'd you do.
BASH: Collie? Like the dog?
NICHOLAS: Not like the dog.
BASH LAUGHS
ROBIN: (AUDIBLY GRINNING) Splendid to meet you, uh...?
BASH: Evelyn Sebastian. You can call me Bash, though. Everybody does - except, um. "Collie."
NICHOLAS: That's Inspector Hawthorn to you.
BASH: Oh, yes, sir!
SHE AND ROBIN LAUGH. NICHOLAS HAS HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.
NICHOLAS: Clarence Parks!
ROBIN: What about him?
NICHOLAS: He's the victim. A 32-year-old solicitor. He didn't show up for work today - no phone call, no explanation. Apparently his firm's in the middle of an important case, so they sent a boy round to check on him. He got here, and found... this.
THE RUSTLE OF SHRUBBERY AS NICHOLAS MOVES IT ASIDE. ROBIN AND BASH LOOK, AND BOTH GASP, HORRIFIED.
BASH: How on earth...?
ROBIN: My God. Let me see that. (MUTTERING TO HIMSELF) Hand-carved - excellent work, too. Meticulous form. Ought to last for centuries. And yet... (TO NICHOLAS) You've measured this?
NICHOLAS: Two inches at the widest point, 3/4s at the narrowest.
BASH: And it goes right the way through?
ROBIN: Seems like. You don't just sneeze a crack like that into a sigil of this quality. I should know - a friend and I wrote a paper about it, calculating a formula to target the thaumaturgic fields of different domestic sigils.
NICHOLAS: What? Why would you need to know that?
ROBIN: For my illustrious career as an international diamond thief. Because it was interesting! It was just a bit of theoretical mathematics, that's all. My point is, a working like this would have taken an enormous amount of power.
BASH: Not to mention having some serious ill-will towards this Parks guy. Whoever did this is a real piece of work.
NICHOLAS: That's what the office boy thought. He had the good sense not to go into the house - just hot-footed it to the nearest call box and phoned it in. When our lads got here-
ROBIN: Oh lawks, he wasn't... dead, was he?
NICHOLAS: No. Parks was nowhere to be found. But they did find a summoning. Or most of one, anyway.
ROBIN: Most of one?
BASH: What happened?
NICHOLAS: If I knew that, I wouldn't be standing here. I need you to talk to the house spirits, see if they know anything.
BASH: OK. Should be simple enough - it feels like they're in good shape.
ROBIN: You can sense the spirits without going inside? Is that usual?
BASH: It depends on the strength of the threshold. This is an old house, it's been inhabited for a long time. It's got some heft, spiritually speaking.
ROBIN: How fascinating. And- And does the sense get stronger if you approach the shrine? Or is it steady wherever you are?
NICHOLAS: This isn't a research project, Robin. Miss Sebastian's here to do a job.
ROBIN: Can't I watch? I've never seen a psychic at work before.
NICHOLAS: Absolutely not.
BASH: Oh, I can't legally be in the presence of other people without "proper measures". Who knows what I might overhear.
ROBIN: That's a pity. Though I suppose I can't risk you undermining all my upcoming diamond heists.
HE AND BASH LAUGH
NICHOLAS: Robin...
ROBIN: Sorry! Sorry. On you go. Good luck. Send my love to the little spooks!
BASH: (LAUGHING) Will do.
SCENE 8
PARKS' LIVING ROOM. IT'S PRETERNATURALLY STILL, RINGING WITH THE EMPTINESS WHERE PARKS OUGHT TO BE. BASH ENTERS.
BASH: Alright, little spooks. Let's see what you've got to say for yourselves. OK...
SHE GETS DOWN TO KNEEL IN FRONT OF THE SHRINE.
BASH: Let me just get the dampener off...
SHE PULLS OFF A HEAVY SILVER CUFF FROM HER WRIST, WRIGGLING IT OFF OVER HER HAND AND SETTING IT DOWN WITH A CLUNK ON THE SHRINE. AS SOON AS IT'S OFF, SHE FLINCHES AS IF SHE'S BEEN HIT WITH A STRONG SMELL OR A SUDDEN CHANGE OF TEMPERATURE.
BASH: Oh, crumbs. Hi! Hello. Alright, alright. Settle down, I'm coming, just give me a moment. Let me get my face on.
FROM HER BAG, SHE TAKES HER EQUIPMENT OUT, MUTTERING TO HERSELF. SHE UNSCREWS THE LID OFF A TIN OF PAINT AND STARTS TO APPLY IT TO HER FACE.
BASH: You know, my granny taught me this pattern? She used to sit me down and make me practise 'til I could do it without a mirror. (LAUGHS) The smallest mistake and I'd have to wash it all off and start from scratch, over and over til my face was pink from scrubbing. (IMITATING AN OLD WOMAN) "Oh, you never know when you'll need to commune with the spirits, Evelyn," she'd say. (OLD WOMAN VOICE) "If you've no paint, you can make do - mud, or blood, or anything that makes a mark. But I'll be damned if a grandchild of mine is left untethered for want of a mirror!" (LAUGHS) Oh, I know, darlings, I know, I'm nearly done. I know, I know, I know.
SHE PUTS THE LID BACK ON THE TIN AND LOOKS AROUND THE SHRINE.
BASH: Right. Where is your libation bowl? Ah! Oh. And what a surprise - nobody's thought to use it all morning. Still, it's not dusty, at least - you're not too hungry! OK.
SHE POURS A LITTLE WINE INTO THE BOWL, LIGHTS A CANDLE AND TAKES A STEADYING BREATH.
BASH: Spirits of the house, I thank you for your hospitality and I humbly ask that I might speak with you a while.
CHIMES RING AND THERE IS THE SOFT SOUND OF MAGIC WORKING. BASH GASPS WITH THE FORCE OF IT. WE CAN HEAR THE SPIRITS TOO NOW, A SOFT, SHIVERING, WHISPER WHEN THEY RESPOND TO HER. SHE LAUGHS, BREATHLESS.
BASH: Oh, hey! Hi! Hello. My name’s Bash. Hush now, it’s OK. No, I know, I know. It’s OK, I’m here. Shh… OK, OK. Yes, yeah- I’ve got some questions to ask you, if that’s alright? Yes, there’s been lots of people here. I know, it's been so busy. I know. But listen - hey! Concentrate on me. (THE WHISPERING DROPS) That’s right. I’ve got some questions about what happened to Clarence.
THE WHISPERING AND CHIMES INCREASE
BASH: No, it was frightening, I know, but I really need you to concentrate. What happened, exactly? (THE SPIRITS WHISPER) A-a man came. OK. Clarence was in here. And the man was...? In the back garden. Mm-hm. Right. And he- (THE WHISPERING INCREASES) Oh...
SHE FIGHTS NOT TO BE AFFECTED BY THEIR RESPONSE.
BASH: Oh, no! No, darlings, no, it's not your fault! No, he was- He was a bad man, and he- Clarence has gone away for a bit, but we're going to get him home as fast as we can. Oh, no, I- No, I know, my loves. You tried. You tried so hard. I know. Shh... I know... I know...
SHE MURMURS TO THEM, COMFORTING THEM WHILE THEY WHISPER TO HER
SCENE 9
THE PARKS GARDEN. ROBIN IS FIDDLING WITH A BIT OF SHRUBBERY.
NICHOLAS: Would you stop fiddling with that? You're disrupting the crime scene.
ROBIN: Disrupting the crime scene? Really? You think this rhododendron is withholding information about Clarence Parks' assailant? You're going to bring this rhododendron in for questioning? Is this a rhododendron of criminal significance, Nicholas? Is it?
NICHOLAS: Maybe!
ROBIN: (SCOFFS) This Sebastian woman's really put the wind up you, hasn't she? I've never seen you be so rude to anyone in my life! Anyone who wasn't me, anyway.
NICHOLAS: I wasn't rude to her. (ROBIN SCOFFS. BEAT. NICHOLAS TAKES A DRAG) Alright, fine! I admit it! She gets on my wick. And I'm not fond of psychics at the best of times.
ROBIN: Oh, God, don't tell me you're one of those awful League of Concern types, are you? You're not going to start campaigning for a public register or some other dreadful thing? Give us a puff.
NICHOLAS: No! It's not like that. I just don't like the idea of someone being able to poke around inside my mind, that's all.
ROBIN: (TAKING A DRAG OF NICHOLAS'S CIGARETTE) Awfully big-headed of you to think you've got anything in there worth poking. Besides, that's what the dampener thingies are for. Squashes down the psychic field and whatnot.
NICHOLAS: And I suppose if I chucked you into Thames with a life-jacket on, you'd have nothing to say about it.
ROBIN: If you chucked me into the Thames, drowning would be the least of my concerns. I'd as likely catch leprosy or... What did they used to call dysentery? It's not the clap.
NICHOLAS: The flux. This conversation has taken a revolting turn.
ROBIN: (LAUGHING) Oh, go on, Col, tell me again what a sweet upstanding young man you are, (MOCKINGLY) and never heard nothin' so untoward in all your years! Did your mother write to your commanding officer when you joined up, telling him to ask the other sappers to mind their manners around you?
NICHOLAS: (LAUGHING) Shut up! And give me back my cigarette. (HE SMOKES) What's taking her so long? I'm freezing.
ROBIN: Inconsiderate if you ask me. This Parks fellow might have had the decency to wait 'til spring to get a demon sicced on him. (THE FRONT DOOR OPENS) I say, there she is! (CALLING) Bash! Over here!
BASH APPROACHES, STILL EMOTIONAL - UPSET ON THE SPIRITS' BEHALF.
NICHOLAS: What did you find?
BASH: Um. It was a man. H-he came in the back - over the wall from the entryway. He broke the sigils, they don't know how. Um. The next thing they knew, there was a demon in the house. Uh, it was too powerful for them - they... They didn't stand a chance. They- They couldn't protect him. It was... It was all so quick.
NICHOLAS: What happened to Parks?
BASH: Um. He left. No. He was possessed. The demon left. (SHUDDERING) Wearing him.
ROBIN: Sorry, not to push in but are you alright? You seem awfully upset.
NICHOLAS: Robin...
ROBIN: What? Is this one of those things we're supposed to pretend not to notice? Well, tough luck. I've noticed. Here, take my handkerchief. It's clean and everything.
BASH: No, I'm fine.
ROBIN: You don't look fine...
NICHOLAS: Did you get a description of the man?
ROBIN: Collie!
BASH: No, they don't see people like that, it's just energy to them. Besides, he didn't come inside.
NICHOLAS: Well, what was his energy like?
BASH: What, you're going to put the colour of his aura on the Wanted poster?
NICHOLAS: I need all the information I can get.
BASH: Fine. They said he came across as "revolting". Does that help?
NICHOLAS: (MUTTERING) About as much as this nonsense ever does...
ROBIN: I say, Bash, how would you like to get some tea, hm? My treat. I'd love to pick your brains about your work.
NICHOLAS: I need your report by the end of the day.
BASH: (SNIFFS AND CLEARS HER THROAT) There's your answer. I'm afraid I'm spoken for. Say - why don't you take your pet policeman along instead? Give him a biscuit, perhaps he'll sit up and beg. Have a nice day.
ROBIN: Bash, wait!
BASH: That means I leave now.
SHE DOES SO. PAUSE.
ROBIN: Well. That was uncalled for.
NICHOLAS: She's always like that - she's impossible.
ROBIN: Maybe if you tried talking to her like a human being instead of some kind of irritating insect, you might make some headway.
NICHOLAS: What do you want me to do? Give her a cuddle and a pat on the head, tell her everything's going to be OK? She'd bite my arm off!
ROBIN: I'm inclined to think you'd deserve it, the way you were getting- Hang on a tick. Did she say he didn't come inside?
NICHOLAS: Oh, sorry, are we done lecturing me on my manners?
ROBIN: Yes, yes. You're a lost cause. Your poor mother must despair of you daily. What does she mean, he didn't come into the house? But the demon... did?
NICHOLAS LEADS THE WAY TO PARKS' HOUSE, TAKING A LAST PULL ON HIS CIGARETTE AS HE GOES
NICHOLAS: Come on. I'll show you.
SCENE 10
NICHOLAS LEADS ROBIN THROUGH THE PARKS HOUSE, CLOSING THE FRONT DOOR BEHIND THEM.
NICHOLAS: We found the working in the back garden. Everything's waiting for you. Thought I could probably trust you not to accidentally summon anything while you're poking around.
ROBIN: I appreciate your confidence in me.
NICHOLAS: Here we are.
NICHOLAS OPENS THE BACK DOOR, AND SHOWS ROBIN OUT ONTO THE PATIO. A CLEANER IS SCRUBBING AT THE SUMMONING WITH A BRUSH.
NICHOLAS: You there! Get away from that!
CLEANER: I- I'm sorry, sir, I was just cleaning up-
NICHOLAS: I told Roderick you lot were to hold off 'til Sylvester had chance to look around. Where is he?
CLEANER: Out with the van, sir. I-I can fetch him...
NICHOLAS: Oh, don't bother. Go and wait with him, I'll call you when we're done.
THE CLEANER LEAVES. NICHOLAS SIGHS
NICHOLAS: (TO ROBIN) Sorry about that. Crossed wires somewhere. It's not quite proper protocol, to leave a summoning up like this.
ROBIN: Bending the rules for me, Collie? I'm all of a fluster. They're quick hands, anyway. They've cleaned up the whole containment triangle.
NICHOLAS: Not that quick. There wasn't one.
ROBIN: (BEAT) What?
NICHOLAS: There wasn't a containment triangle. I told you - it wasn't a full summoning. Here's the summoner's circle - drawn straight onto the paving stones in chalk. Bit scuffed but at least we can be sure it's only been here since the last rainfall. And apart from this mark here, near the back door, there really wasn't anything else.
ROBIN: Let me see that. Gosh... So that's how he did it. That's... I mean, it's entirely bonkers, for one thing. Hand me your notebook, I want a sketch of this.
NICHOLAS DOES SO AND ROBIN STARTS DRAWING.
ROBIN: This little squiggly thing, it's a kind of sigil.
NICHOLAS: Protection?
ROBIN: No! No, Lord no. Quite the opposite. "Sigil" is a bit of a catch-all, I'm afraid. Just means, uh, "magic symbol". Sort of. It's... complicated. The wards on our homes - either the council-issue sort under the stairs in Mrs Buckley's or the bespoke carvings favoured by the Mr Parks of the world - they all work as, uh, magic-infused symbols of intent. You're looking blank.
NICHOLAS: This is my listening face.
ROBIN: It looks a lot like your 'do shut up' face.
NICHOLAS: In fairness, most people aren't as familiar with that one as you are.
ROBIN: Very funny, ha ha. To cut your suffering short, this isn't that kind of sigil. It doesn't carry intention. It's the symbolic representation of a name.
NICHOLAS: The summoner's?
ROBIN: Certainly not - that would make your life too easy by half. It's the name of the demon he's summoned. It acts a bit like, uh. Uh. What are they called. Um. Thingies.
NICHOLAS: Thingies.
ROBIN: Yes, whatsits. What are they called? The. Uh. The. You know!
HE WAVES HIS HANDS ABOUT.
NICHOLAS: (LAUGHING) You're just waving your hands about.
ROBIN: I know I'm waving my hands aboot. I'm trying to think! Landing lights! Cor, that was an effort. (NICHOLAS LAUGHS) The sigil functions as a sort of landing light, guiding the demon to- Well, normally it'd be into the containment triangle.
NICHOLAS: Yeah, but here...
ROBIN: Scratched onto the step like that? And with the protections down... No, whatever this chap summoned, it was ushered right into the house. Right into Parks.
NICHOLAS: Oh God. He really did get a demon sicced on him.
ROBIN: Mm. I think Bash was right - whoever did this was a piece of work.
NICHOLAS: Can you find out what demon it was?
ROBIN: Yes, probably. It'll take a bit of a rummage through the books but shouldn't be a problem. Let me see the summoning itself. (BEAT) Hm.
NICHOLAS: Good hm? Bad hm?
ROBIN: Just a sort of 'hm' hm really. This summoning... I mean, it's obviously based on the Lesser Key of Solomon, that gives us somewhere to start. But it's a very odd interpretation.
NICHOLAS: Identifyingly odd?
ROBIN: Possibly. You see these bits here?
NICHOLAS: Yes, I wondered about those. I haven't seen them before.
ROBIN: I have. They're stabilisers. They help the practitioner focus, key into their power more. It's sort of like, uh, grips on your shoes - something to hold onto. Most people don't bother with them because they're fiddly as anything, very hard to get right, and not, generally speaking, necessary.
NICHOLAS: Are these right?
ROBIN: These are textbook. Those two are, anyway. The third is rather messy but looking at the others, I'm inclined to attribute that to your over-zealous cleaners.
NICHOLAS: So... what does that mean?
ROBIN: It means... Well, it means, uh... (HE LAUGHS) Honestly, Col? I haven't a bally clue what it means! (HE LAUGHS AGAIN) And that is a turn up for the books.
CLOSING CREDITS
THEME MUSIC PLAYS
H.R. OWEN: The Lion and the Adder is a Monstrous Productions podcast. With special thanks to Ian.
Episode 2 starred, in order of appearance: Paul Warren as Nicholas Hawthorn; Rebecca Tanwen as Mrs Samson; Eric Mok as George Gladwell; Rebekah McLoughlin as Malcolm; Rhys Lawton as Puddle; H.R. Owen as Robin Sylvester; AMC as Constable Edwards; and Méabh de Brún as Evelyn 'Bash' Sebastian with additional voices from Rebecca Tanwen, Erika Sanderson, Ruth Urqhart and Lou Sutcliffe.
It was written by H.R. Owen, script edited and directed by Sophie B., and sound designed by Eira Major.
THEME MUSIC ENDS
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