Episode Five
The Lion and the Adder – Episode Five – Transcript
SCENE 1
A COURTROOM IN THE OLD BAILEY. A MEDIUM-SIZED ROOM WITH PEOPLE SITTING QUIETLY - THE OCCASIONAL COUGH, CREAK OF A CHAIR, BUT NO CONVERSATION. NICHOLAS IS IN THE STAND GIVING EVIDENCE.
NICHOLAS: ...we discovered Exhibit 4A alongside the ritual in the second bedroom, that is to say, a small book entitled Summoning and Banishment: An Introduction, written by R. A. Goosen. The book contained...
WHILE HE'S SPEAKING, ROBIN ENTERS, TRYING TO FIND HIS SEAT WITHOUT DISTURBING ANYONE.
ROBIN: (LOW) Excuse me. Terribly sorry. Is this seat free? Thanks.
NICHOLAS: (OFF) ...instructions for a number of complex rituals, including summonings and banishments. Upon closer inspection, it became clear that the ritual found at the scene had been improperly transcribed from this text, leading to a containment failure when the entity was summoned.
DEFENCE: Thank you, Inspector. No further questions, your honour.
JUDGE: Very good. Detective Inspector Hawthorn, you're free to go.
NICHOLAS: Yes, your honour.
JUDGE: Please bring the prisoner to the stand.
NICHOLAS LEAVES THE STAND MRS BUCKLEY TAKES HIS PLACE. SHE IS SOBBING INSISTENTLY, SNIVELLING AND SNOTTY.
JUDGE: Mrs Buckley- Oh, for goodness sake. Someone get the woman a hankie.
ROBIN: (STAGE WHISPER) Collie! Psst! Over here! (TO THE PEOPLE NEAR HIM) (LOW) Excuse me? You couldn't budge up a bit, could you?
NICHOLAS: (LOW) Thank you. Sorry.
ROBIN: (LOW) I say, Collie, I always forget-
NICHOLAS: (LOW) No, no. That's my deaf side. Swap round.
MORE FIDGETING AND GRUMBLING FROM THE PEOPLE AROUND THEM, NICHOLAS AND ROBIN APOLOGISING. THEY FINALLY SIT DOWN AND SETTLE INTO QUIET.
NICHOLAS: (LOW) What were you saying?
ROBIN: (LOW) Just that I always forget how dour and dutiful you always look in the dock.
NICHOLAS: (LOW) It's not the dock if you're just giving evidence. Now whisht.
MRS BUCKLEY BLOWS HER NOSE WETLY.
JUDGE: If you're quite ready to continue, Mrs Buckley?
MRS BUCKLEY: Y-yes, sir. Your honour, sir. I'm so sorry, sir.
JUDGE: Very good. (HE CLEARS HIS THROAT. MRS BUCKLEY CONTINUES TO CRY AS HE SPEAKS) The court has heard how, on the night of Monday February 14th 1921, you performed an illegal summoning ritual in your home at 15 Claremont Avenue. Due to your lack of experience and training, the demon you summoned escaped its confines and possessed you. Mercifully, the protective wards on your home prevented the demon from leaving the property and causing who knows how much damage and destruction. These are serious crimes, with serious penalties. Indeed, if I were so minded, I could legally sentence you to two years' hard labour for your careless, selfish and dangerous actions.
MRS BUCKLEY CRIES LOUDER. THE JUDGE RAISES HIS VOICE TO TALK OVER HER.
JUDGE: H-However! However. I am mindful of your age - and your guilty plea. You have shown sincere remorse and I do not believe you to be a danger either to yourself or others in the future. I also understand you are not in any position to pay a fine?
MRS BUCKLEY: (PANICKED) What?! Oh, no! No, sir, I-I can't- Oh!
JUDGE: No! No, don't worry. (CLEARS THROAT) In that case... Katherine Marie Buckley, I sentence you to two months imprisonment for performing a Class A Restricted Ritual without proper license, in contravention of the Restricted Rituals and Sacraments Act of 1919, and eight months imprisonment for improper containment of a fourth order malevolent entity, in contravention of the Offences Against the Person Act of 1861. These sentences are to be served concurrently. Take her down. Court is adjourned.
BAILIFF: All rise.
THERE IS A GENERAL BUSTLE AND COMMOTION AS PEOPLE STAND AND MOVE.
THEME MUSIC PLAYS
H.R. OWEN: The Lion and the Adder, created by H.R. Owen and starring H.R Owen as Robin Sylvester, Paul Warren as Nicholas Hawthorn, and Méabh de Brún as Evelyn 'Bash' Sebastian. Episode Five.
SCENE 2
OUTSIDE THE OLD BAILEY. A BUSY CITY STREET FULL OF PEOPLE.
NICHOLAS: Eight months... She's, what, 60? 62?
ROBIN: Oh for pity's sake. Not this again. You always get the morbs when you've been giving evidence.
NICHOLAS: The morbs? I haven't heard that for years. You sound like someone's grandmother.
ROBIN: My grandmother, in fact. (MIMICKING) "Do stop morbing on, Francis!" she used to say - that was my grandfather, great miserable so and so, like a large, unhappy potato. You'd have got on famously. To whit - do stop morbing on!
NICHOLAS: I-I think it's reasonable to have a moment's reflection after watching a woman...
HE TRAILS OFF VAGUELY. PAUSE.
ROBIN: Watching a woman... be sentenced for a crime you, in fact, arrested her for?
NICHOLAS: You don't have to put it like that!
ROBIN: How do you want me to put it? (BEAT) That's what I thought. If you can't square it with yourself, find a new job! You could be a greengrocer, with a little apron and apostrophes in all the wrong places. You can do that thing you always do with apples!
NICHOLAS: What thing?
ROBIN: You know. Where you toss it up and bounce it off your bicep before taking a bite. Tremendously virile, masculine gesture, I've always thought.
NICHOLAS: (LAUGHING) Oh, shut up!
ROBIN: I mean it! I've never seen anyone do anything half so manly with a piece of fruit. And it's harder than it looks, I know - bruised almost a pound of pippins practising at home one day. Now see here, are we going to lunch or what?
NICHOLAS: What. I've got to get over to Hampstead to meet Edwards. Bike's parked round the corner - walk with me.
THEY START TO WALK THROUGH THE STREETS
ROBIN: Hampstead? Wasn't that Parks' patch?
NICHOLAS: It was. The priest at his old church phoned in this morning. Apparently there's been a theft up there. Mightn't have had anything to do with Parks' murder, of course, but...
ROBIN: It's worth looking into. Speaking of Parks, I've got some good news about the advertisement. Your suggestions on the wording worked a treat - hit just the right note between plausible deniability and a distinct air of being Up To No Good.
NICHOLAS: You're welcome.
ROBIN: I added a tempting hint of future academic glories and sent it off to some likely journals Friday before last. Of course, they don't all publish on the same schedule but I've had enquiries coming in since last week. It seems there's a rather depressing number of graduate students out there willing to turn a blind eye to the matter of research ethics in the name of getting their foot in the door of the ivory tower.
NICHOLAS: Doesn't surprise me in the least, knowing your colleagues. I've never met such a crowd of back-biters. Didn't that one fellow name a flesh-eating mould after you?
ROBIN: (PROUDLY) Cladosporium sylvestrum. (LAUGHS) And it's not flesh-eating - it just smells like rotting flesh. In some circles, that would be considered a compliment.
NICHOLAS: (DOUBT) Hmm.
ROBIN: Most of the chaps who wrote in weren't at all what we're looking for - just common or garden graduates. But then... Listen to this.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT AND STARTS TO READ.
ROBIN: "Doctor Sylvester, I read your recent advertisement in the Journal for Applied Demonology with great interest. I was especially struck by your reference to the recent work by Parks et al concerning protective magics-"
NICHOLAS: Oh?
ROBIN: Oh, don't get excited. They all said that - buttering me up by making a reference to the original wording. I'm sure most of them just assumed Parks was some stuffy old researcher they'd never heard of. No, this is where it piqued my interest. "I have been conducting my own research on protective substances for some time, and should be very interested in discussing my findings with you, especially as it relates to the containment and control of malevolent entities." Eh? Howzat?
NICHOLAS: It's a bit vague...
ROBIN: You're right, of course. He also didn't sign the letter Mr Frederick Murderington Esq so I suppose we're back to square one.
NICHOLAS: How did he sign it?
ROBIN: W. Perkins. Reference to William, I should say - early demonologist, wrote about witches back in the bad old days.
NICHOLAS: And I suppose a return address is too much to hope for?
ROBIN: I applaud your optimism, dear heart, but no, just a PO Box.
NICHOLAS: I suppose we can look into that, if needs be.
ROBIN: I wouldn't hold your breath but by all means, investigate away. I wrote back anyway and offered to meet him on Sunday at 10 o'clock in Victoria Station. Got a note today asking to change the time to 11.30 - clearly he's got important criminal business to be getting on with that morning - and, more significantly, asking that I come alone. Now really, does that sound above board to you?
NICHOLAS: No. It sounds like he's going to murder you.
ROBIN: He's not going to murder me in the middle of Victoria! Anyway, I already told him I insisted on bringing my assistant. (BEAT) Bash!
NICHOLAS: She's your assistant now?
ROBIN: No. But I didn't quite like to go on my own. He's a murderer, Nicholas! He could do anything to me.
THEY ARRIVE AT NICHOLAS'S BIKE AND STOP WALKING
NICHOLAS: Look. You don't have to go through with this, alright? We can call it off, come up with something else...
ROBIN: I'm not calling it off.
NICHOLAS: Robin...
ROBIN: "Some time."
NICHOLAS: What?
ROBIN: "I have been conducting my own research for some time." (BEAT) Parks died, what, three weeks ago? Three and a half? That's not what I'd call "some time".
NICHOLAS: You think he's done it before?
ROBIN: I don't know. Perhaps. I think he'll do it again. (BEAT) I'm not calling it off.
NICHOLAS: Fine. Just... be careful.
ROBIN: I will. (PAUSE) Go on. You've got a girl to meet.
NICHOLAS STARTS THE BIKE UP
NICHOLAS: I could give you a lift, if you like?
ROBIN: No fear. I'm not getting on that death trap.
NICHOLAS: Oh, but you'll happily arrange a meeting with a murderer?
ROBIN: Precisely! If that doesn't make you think long and hard about your life choices, I don't know what will.
NICHOLAS: Ridiculous...!
ROBIN: (LAUGHING) Toodle-oo!
THE BIKE PULLS OFF AND AWAY
SCENE 3
THE BIKE APPROACHES, COMING TO A STOP OUTSIDE SACRED HEART CHURCH. NICHOLAS CUTS THE ENGINE.
NICHOLAS: Edwards! You could have waited inside, out of the cold.
EDWARDS: It's alright, sir. I haven't been here long. How was the trial?
NICHOLAS MAKES A NON-COMMITTAL NOISE
NICHOLAS: It was what it was. I saw Robin after, he said he's had contact from-
EDWARDS: (EXCITED) Oh, I know, sir! He rang the station this morning, we talked it all through. 11.30, Sunday morning, Victoria Station. I'll need to move my shifts around a bit but that's alright, isn't it, sir?
NICHOLAS: Uh. Yeah. Yeah, no-no, that's fine.
EDWARDS: He's bringing Miss Sebastian along too, did he say?
NICHOLAS: Mentioned it, yeah. I don't what use he thinks she'll be - the pair of them wouldn't make fifteen stone combined.
EDWARDS: That's what I'm there for, sir. Isn't it?
NICHOLAS: Well... Yes, I... (SIGHS) I'm just not sure about this.
EDWARDS: (CRESTFALLEN) About what? You don't think we should run the operation?
NICHOLAS SCOFFS
NICHOLAS: It's hardly an operation, is it!
EDWARDS: (HURT) Sir...
NICHOLAS: No, I didn't mean it like that. I-I just... I don't know that you're ready for something like this.
EDWARDS: Something like what? You said yourself - it's hardly anything. Chances are, this fellow won't even show.
NICHOLAS: Aye, but what if he does? Look, maybe I should tag along, just in case.
EDWARDS: Sir!
NICHOLAS: I could set myself up in a-a tea shop or something nearby and then if there's trouble you can-
EDWARDS: I can handle it like a trained officer! (BEAT) Sir.
NICHOLAS: Edwards. Come on. You'll make a fine copper one day-
EDWARDS: I'm a fine copper now!
NICHOLAS: (AS IF SHE HASN'T SPOKEN) -but you're still green! You just don't have the experience-
EDWARDS: And whose fault is that? I was two years on the beat and they wouldn't let me do anything but take statements and give directions. You're the reason I was able to transfer into CID, if you hadn't have backed my application-
NICHOLAS: I know that-
EDWARDS: Two more years in CID and I'm still in uniform, still taking statements, still minding the door, standing about doing nothing. How am I supposed to get any experience if you don't let me do anything? (BEAT) Sir.
NICHOLAS: Alright! Alright.
EDWARDS: We're doing it?
NICHOLAS: I... (SIGHS) Fine. Fine! You're doing it.
EDWARDS DID NOT REALLY EXPECT THAT TO WORK.
EDWARDS: Right. (THEN, MORE CHEERFUL) Right! Well then. Let's take some statements, hey?
SCENE 4
INSIDE SACRED HEART CHURCH. SOUNDS LIKE INCENSE. THE DOOR SLAMS WITH AN ECHOING BANG AS NICHOLAS AND EDWARDS ENTER.
NICHOLAS: Ah, Jesus!
EDWARDS: Making an entrance, sir?
NICHOLAS: I didn't mean to, the handle slipped!
FR PRIESTLY SPOTS THEM FROM A DISTANCE AND COMES OVER, TALKING AS HE COMES.
FR PRIESTLY: Don't worry about it. That old thing bangs and clangs like anything. Welcome to Sacred Heart. How can I help?
EDWARDS: Detective Constable Edwards. Pleasure to meet you.
NICHOLAS: Detective Inspector Hawthorn. A-And you're, um... (AUDIBLY SMILING) F-Father...
FR PRIESTLY: Father Priestly, yes, yes. Feel free to make any jokes that occur to you, but be warned - if I've heard it before, you will be asked to make a donation to the church roof fund.
EDWARDS: What is it with church roofs, hm? Always seem to be leaking.
FR PRIESTLY: Probably because they're so holy! (LAUGHS, DELIGHTED WITH HIMSELF) Oh, no, that was dreadful. I'll put in sixpence. Um. Are we alright to talk out here? I have an office in the back but it's awfully cramped at the moment. It's always cramped, actually, but right at this minute it's full of flowers ahead of Easter Sunday. I should feel like I was taking confession in a florist's.
NICHOLAS: No, out here's fine. We're just following up on your call this morning.
FR PRIESTLY: Oh! Gosh! I-I certainly didn't mean to drag you all the way out here.
NICHOLAS: All part of the job, Father. Happy to help.
FR PRIESTLY: Crumbs. And they say the Met are losing their touch. Well, I don't. Some do. Uh. Not me though. Obviously.
NICHOLAS: Course not.
FR PRIESTLY: Oh, how's that for a knowing look? You'd be a marvellous priest, Inspector, if the spirit ever moved you so. Um... Where was I?
EDWARDS: The robbery.
FR PRIESTLY: Oh! Oh, it sounds terribly dramatic when you put it like that! It's really nothing to write home about. I wouldn't have thought to get the police involved at all, except that your men said to ring if there was anything unusual after that awful, awful business with poor Clarence. Absolutely shocking. He'll be very sorely missed.
EDWARDS: Mr Parks was quite active in the church, wasn't he?
FR PRIESTLY: I should say so. Gave us just about every spare hour he had - he ran the book club, sang in the choir, volunteered with the soup kitchen, even did his share of Sunday school classes. We've felt his absence very keenly. Very keenly indeed. I say, you don't think this robbery has some connection, do you?
EDWARDS: Belt and braces, sir. Better to be be over-cautious than risk missing a possible lead.
FR PRIESTLY: If you say so. Though there's rather a world of difference between sticky fingers in the sacristy and, uh... Well.
HE TRAILS OFF, NOT QUITE WILLING TO SAY THE M-WORD.
NICHOLAS: What was taken, exactly?
FR PRIESTLY: Ah, well, that's just it. They seem to have made off with half a dozen boxes of wafers.
NICHOLAS: Wafers? Like... Communion wafers?
FR PRIESTLY: That's the chaps. Unconsecrated, of course. Can't have the actual body of Christ just left lying about!
NICHOLAS: Do they... Do they... taste good?
EDWARDS: (MORTIFIED) Sir!
FR PRIESTLY: (LAUGHING) Not to cast aspersions on my lord and saviour, Inspector, but I can't imagine anybody stealing them for a snack! No, they're just flour and water, nothing exciting. If it had been the wine, I'd have suspected the altar boys. Rather more motive there.
EDWARDS: And when did you notice them missing?
FR PRIESTLY: Earlier this morning. I was rummaging about in the sacristy and realised we were down a few boxes. I had a chat with the deacon, put our heads together and checked our sums, and realised there's no way we'd have got through that many in the ordinary way of things.
NICHOLAS: You don't know when they might have been taken?
FR PRIESTLY: Haven't a baldy. It's, uh, not something I keep a particularly close eye on.
EDWARDS: I suppose it wouldn't have been hard to find a time nobody was watching to slip and take them.
FR PRIESTLY: Or when somebody was watching, for that matter. I really can't emphasise how little of a priority it is, guarding these things. The expensive bits of kit - the bells and chalice and so on - they all get locked up, but the rest of it...
THE DOOR SLAMS AGAIN, AND GLADWELL ENTERS WITH A GAGGLE OF SCHOOLCHILDREN, ALL MAKING AN ABSOLUTE RACKET.
GLADWELL: (OFF) Boys! Settle down!
THE BOYS: (OFF) Yes, Mr Gladwell.
FR PRIESTLY: Oh, Heaven preserve me. It's the first communion class.
GLADWELL: Afternoon, Father. Are we interrupting?
FR PRIESTLY: George! I'm so sorry, I-I quite forgot you were coming.
GLADWELL: March 24th, Father. (FONDLY) It's been in the diary for weeks!
FR PRIESTLY: No, no, I know. Um. Crumbs.
GLADWELL: (OFF) Don't even think about it, Peter!
MALCOLM RACES OVER TO THE ADULTS
MALCOLM: Oh, Mr Nicholas!
NICHOLAS: Oh. Hello, uh... Michael?
MALCOLM: (DELIGHTED) Malcolm! You remembered!
NICHOLAS: Of course. H-How could I forget.
MALCOLM: Um... Why's that lady dressed as a policeman?
NICHOLAS: She is a policeman. She-she's a lady policeman. A lady officer. Policewoman. This is Detective Constable Edwards, she works with me.
EDWARDS: Hello, Malcolm. Nice to meet you.
MALCOLM: I didn't know ladies could become policemen.
EDWARDS: Well, you've learnt something new today.
MALCOLM: Are you going to arrest me?
EDWARDS: That depends entirely on you.
MALCOLM: (LAUGHING) Oh! (CALLING) Peter! This lady's a policeman, she said she's going to arrest you if you don't be good! Peter!
MALCOLM RUNS OFF.
GLADWELL: And there he was, gone. Hello again, Inspector.
NICHOLAS: H-Hello. Uh. Sorry, I didn't realise you'd, um. (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) I-I wasn't expecting you.
GLADWELL: Why would you?
NICHOLAS: Well, Sacred Heart. Could have made the connection.
GLADWELL: There's three Sacred Heart churches this side of the river. It's hardly an unusual name. Are you here about Parks?
EDWARDS: Did you know him, sir?
NICHOLAS: S-Sorry, um. Mr Gladwell, this is-
GLADWELL: Constable Edwards. I heard. Pleasure to meet you. I knew Parks a little. It'd be difficult to be involved in the church and not run into him.
FR PRIESTLY: You and he went tramping together, didn't you?
GLADWELL: On occasion. There's a group of us, chaps of about the same age. But I really shouldn't have said we were particularly close.
THERE'S A CLATTER OF SOMETHING FALLING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CHURCH.
GLADWELL: (CALLING) Peter, what did I tell you?
FR PRIESTLY: Oh, take them through to the Sunday school room, George. I'll meet you back there.
GLADWELL: Righto. Another time perhaps, Inspector. Constable. (OFF) Boys! Through to the back, please, come on!
HE LEAVES, AND STARTS USHERING THE CHILDREN OUT THROUGH A BACK DOOR.
FR PRIESTLY: Patience of a saint, that man. I don't know how he does it. Uh, is that all?
EDWARDS: Yes, thank you for the time, sir. We'll be in touch if anything develops.
FR PRIESTLY: Oh, don't fret. As I said, I really only thought I should tell you because it was such an unusual thing to happen!
EDWARDS: Better safe than sorry, sir. Good luck with the kids.
FR PRIESTLY: (LAUGHING) Thank you! I shall need it, I think. God bless.
SCENE 5
OUTSIDE SACRED HEART, EDWARDS AND NICHOLAS WALK THROUGH THE CHURCH YARD
EDWARDS: Are you alright, sir? You look a bit flushed.
NICHOLAS: (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) Oh, I'm fine! I'm fine. Warm in there, that's all. (CLEARS THROAT) What do you- What do you make of it, then?
EDWARDS: The robbery? Not much to make of it, is there. Either it's something to do with Parks, or it isn't. Time will tell, I suppose.
NICHOLAS: Hmm. I hate this part - when you're just snuffing about, picking up anything you can find that might conceivably be a clue.
THEY COME OUT OF THE CHURCH YARD THROUGH AND OLD IRON GATE
NICHOLAS: Funny about Parks though, eh?
EDWARDS: Hmm. The same story as his office. Everyone knew him, he got stuck in with the community - but nobody seems to have actually known him, not really.
NICHOLAS: Maybe he was just awkward. People are, you know.
EDWARDS: I do. (BEAT) So... you came over on the bike then, sir?
NICHOLAS: Is that you angling for a lift back?
EDWARDS: It's only sensible, sir. Saving public money and all that.
NICHOLAS: Do you know what that is, Edwards?
EDWARDS: What? (REALISING) Oh, don't-!
NICHOLAS: That's DCI thinking!
SHE LAUGHS, EMBARRASSED AND DELIGHTED, WHICH MAKES HIM LAUGH IN TURN
EDWARDS: Sir!
NICHOLAS: Hey. I'm sorry. About earlier. You'll be fine. Of course you will.
EDWARDS: Of course I will. And so will Mr Sylvester and Miss Sebastian. I am, after all, a lady policeman.
NICHOLAS: I panicked!
EDWARDS: No, I understand completely. Let's just hope whoever comes to meet Mr Sylvester is only a murderer and not an eight year old boy, or we're all in trouble.
NICHOLAS: (LAUGHING) Oh, for God's sake...
EDWARDS: It's alright, sir. Some people are just a bit awkward, aren't they?
NICHOLAS: (INDIGNANT) Do you know what? I changed my mind. You can walk back to the Yard.
EDWARDS LAUGHS, ALL MENDED BETWEEN THEM
SCENE 6
ROBIN'S BEDROOM AT NIGHT. THE SQUEAKING OF BEDSPRINGS. ROBIN FALLS BACK ON THE PILLOWS, PANTING.
ROBIN: Oh! Gosh! That did it! (LAUGHS)
PUDDLE: Loosened a few knots, I hope.
ROBIN: I should say so. Lawks!
HE CATCHES HIS BREATH
PUDDLE: (FOND) You're all sweaty.
ROBIN: And whose fault is that? Takes two to tango.
PUDDLE: Mm. I don't think I'm very sorry.
ROBIN: No, you don't look it, you beast. (PUDDLE LAUGHS. THEN, YAWNING:) Oh, goodness me!
PUDDLE: I hope I shan't regret saying this but I had rather thought you didn't want to do this any more.
ROBIN: What gave you that idea?
PUDDLE: You told me you didn't want to do this any more.
ROBIN: I did not!
PUDDLE: You did! Just before Tolly's party you distinctly said, 'I dont-'
ROBIN: I said that I didn't think we ought to do it any more. That's not the same thing at all.
PUDDLE: Ah. Silly me.
ROBIN: I meant it. But then you turned up looking all concerned and-
PUDDLE: Of course I looked concerned! You said you thought a murderer might break into your house!
ROBIN: No I didn't! I said I was worried a murderer might break in, I never said I thought it might actually happen. I gave him my correspondence address, not the flat. But then I was talking to Collie this morning and he mentioned routing the fellow up through his PO Box and it planted a seed.
PUDDLE: Hmm. I'm going to get some water, do you want some?
ROBIN: I'd rather a G&T.
PUDDLE GETS OUT OF BED
ROBIN: Anyway, once the idea took hold, I couldn't bear being here all on my tod, so I gave you a bell. I was all prepared to offer you the guest room and everything.
PUDDLE: I should look concerned more often. Can I borrow your dressing gown?
ROBIN: If I say no, will you walk around nicely naked the whole evening? (BEAT) Oh! If looks could kill! Yes, of course you can. And it wasn't just that you looked concerned. It was how terribly sweet it was of you to come round right away and keep me company, and you had your nice new coat on and you always look very pretty in green and, I don't know. I suppose I was a little overcome. You're not complaining, are you?
PUDDLE: No. No I-I suppose I'm not.
ROBIN: Are my cigarettes down there? Should be in my trousers, I think.
PUDDLE FUMBLES ABOUT LOOKING FOR THEM, HUMMING TO HIMSELF.
PUDDLE: Y..es.
HE HANDS THE CIGARETTE CASE AND LIGHTER OVER.
PUDDLE: Anything else, m'lord?
ROBIN: (AIRILY) No, that'll be all. Dismissed.
THEY BOTH LAUGH AND KISS.
ROBIN: Come here.
THEY KISS MORE DEEPLY.
ROBIN: I really was very sweet of you to come over. I feel much better with you here.
PUDDLE: You're welcome. Silly old thing.
HE LEAVES. ROBIN TAKES OUT A CIGARETTE AND LIGHTS IT. HE EXHALES. THEN HE HUMS, AN IDEA OCCURRING TO HIM. HE GETS OUT OF BED AND WALKS TO A BOOK CASE, PULLING OUT A BOOK AND FLIPPING THROUGH IT, STILL SMOKING. PUDDLE RE-ENTERS, ICE CLINKING IN TWO GLASSES.
PUDDLE: Aha. An unexpected benefit.
ROBIN: Excuse me?
PUDDLE: If I've got your dressing gown, you have to walk around nicely naked!
ROBIN LAUGHS. PUDDLE PUTS DOWN A DRINK FOR HIM.
PUDDLE: Here you go. Can I have a puff?
ROBIN: Get your own!
PUDDLE SIGHS, SITTING DOWN ON THE BED. HE LIGHTS HIS OWN CIGARETTE. BOTH ARE SMOKING THROUGHOUT.
PUDDLE: Don't tell me you're working now? Come away from your blasted books and back to bed.
ROBIN: I'm not working. Not really. I was just checking something. It's been niggling at me since we started this case.
PUDDLE: The mad demon summoner?
ROBIN: That's the chap. He summons a demon, using sigils to push it into Parks' house and possess him. A week later, Parks shows up dead after being squirrelled away somewhere to be experimented on. So. How did he get there?
PUDDLE: I thought you said he was dumped.
ROBIN: No, not the Heath. How did the summoner get a possessed Parks out of his house and back to wherever it was he was holding him? How did he keep control of the demon while they were in transit, so to speak?
PUDDLE: Perhaps he made a deal. That's what demons do, isn't it? Make deals?
ROBIN: It's a bit more complicated than that.
PUDDLE: You always say that about demons.
ROBIN: It's always true! Besides, I can't think of anything our rogue summoner could offer Hgog to get it to come quietly. I don't know if you've noticed this about demons, but they don't tend to do anything quietly.
PUDDLE: That we know about! Stands to reason we wouldn't hear about all the ones who just pop up for a quick visit, see the sights and then head off home again.
ROBIN: (LAUGHING) See the sights...!
PUDDLE: I expect there aren't many good restaurants in Hell!
ROBIN: That's really not helpful-
PUDDLE: Not helpful terminology, I know, I know.
ROBIN: As far as we can tell, it's really more a sort of parasitic pseudo-universe feeding on our own. It doesn't have a moral standpoint any more than a tapeworm does.
PUDDLE: Oh, lord! Must you bring up tapeworms in the bedroom?
ROBIN: It's an apt comparison! I suppose it could be a sort of bunion or something if that makes you feel better, though I think we're losing some nuance.
PUDDLE: Better nuance than my supper.
ROBIN: Oh, have it your way. Hell is the bunion upon the cosmic foot.
PUDDLE: ...no! Nope, no, it's still revolting. Besides, isn't it rather big-headed to assume we're the foot in this equation?
ROBIN: You're the one suggesting demons pop up here on their jollies. As if a fifth order malevolent entity got summoned in Hampstead and just wandered off to make a reservation at the Ritz.
PUDDLE: Doesn't have to be the Ritz. (BEAT) It might have got fish and chips.
ROBIN: Sometimes, Puds, I don't believe you take my work very seriously.
PUDDLE: I don't have to. That's what your big serious policeman's for. Come to bed.
ROBIN: I'm in bed.
PUDDLE: You're on bed. Stop blithering on about demons and give me a cuddle.
ROBIN GRUMBLES, BUT HE PUTS OUT HIS CIGARETTE AND THEY SHUFFLE AROUND, GETTING COMFORTABLE. PUDDLE SIGHS HAPPILY. BEAT.
ROBIN: I suppose... No. No, that's idiotic.
PUDDLE: What?
ROBIN: He could have bound it by name.
PUDDLE: That would be idiotic.
ROBIN: People are quite stupid, you know, Puddle.
PUDDLE: So I hear. Seems like everyone I know's smarter than me.
ROBIN KISSES HIM.
ROBIN: You have other qualities.
PUDDLE YAWNS AND LAUGHS SLEEPILY. BEAT.
PUDDLE: I read a book once where a woman used her true name to make this chap marry her. He was dead set on marrying her sister, but she was determined it should be her - there was something about an inheritance, too, I don't quite remember what. (BEAT) Maybe it wasn't her sister, maybe it was a cousin or something. But the other one was terribly jealous, so she used her true name and sort of cursed the chap to love her instead, only it wasn't real love because it isn't, is it, if it's magic. And the sister, or the cousin or whatever, found out and got terribly poorly because she went storming off in the rain and you know how poorly young women in books get when they get caught in the rain, and I think perhaps she died? (BEAT) Or someone else died. And the inheritance got all muddled and the first woman, the one who did the curse, didn't end up with anything except the chap, only he didn't really love her and she knew it the whole time. I know she was a terrible villain but I did feel rather sorry for her, in the end, with no money and her poor sister-cousin-thing dead and a husband who doesn't love her. Seems rather a lot, all things considered.
LONG PAUSE
ROBIN: You need to read better books.
PUDDLE: Oh. You can't, then?
ROBIN: Use your name as love spell? No. Humans don't have that kind of magic, we can't use names the way demons can. We can use our own names to bind demons - for an exorcism, say, or to get them to do something without making a deal. Of course, if they ever pop up again on this side of the bunion, they'll be able to bind you right back. But it can be done - to demons.
PUDDLE: But... not people?
ROBIN: Not people. Otherwise we'd all have to come up with silly nicknames for ourselves and hide our birth certificates and have secret middle names. I say, is that why you go around calling yourself Puddle? (LAUGHING) In case someone puts a love spell on you?
PUDDLE: No! I've been Puddle since I was small. And I don't go around calling myself it - everyone else goes around doing the calling.
ROBIN: It suits you. You have a Puddley air.
PUDDLE: I suppose you're alright either way. Robin, I mean. Not being your real name.
ROBIN: (TENSE) It is my real name.
PUDDLE: No, I know, legally and so on. I just meant, you know. It's not the name you were born with.
ROBIN: It's not the name my parents gave me.
PUDDLE: No, that's what I meant! (LAUGHS) Imagine that, babies coming out with their names written on a little slip tied round their ankles. "Congratulations, Mr and Mrs Smythe, it's a beautiful baby Augusta!"
ROBIN: (NOT LAUGHING) Robin is my real name, Puds. Robin Sylvester. That's me, really me. If you were a demon, you could kill me with it. Do you understand?
PUDDLE: Did I say something wrong? I'm sorry, Silly, I didn't mean anything by it.
ROBIN: No, I know you didn't. But it's important that you understand. I'm Robin Sylvester as much as, as Collie is Nicholas Hawthorn or you're... Uh... You're, uh... Oh my God.
PUDDLE: (AGHAST) Silly!
ROBIN: Uh. Uh. No! No, it- It's on the tip of my tongue-
PUDDLE: You rotter!
ROBIN: No, it-it-it- It starts with a-a... A G?
PUDDLE: Oh I can't believe you!
PUDDLE HITS HIM IN THE FACE WITH A PILLOW WITH A THWUMP, MAKING ROBIN LAUGH
PUDDLE: You absolute beast! You had me really feeling dreadful, and then you go and-
ROBIN: George! Geoffrey! Jeremy!
THEY DESCEND INTO GIGGLY WRESTLING
SCENE 7
VICTORIA STATION. TRAIN ENGINES CHUFF BEHIND THE CALLS AND WHISTLES OF PORTERS AND TRAIN GUARDS. OUT OF THE BUSTLE AND NOISE, BASH RUSHES TO ROBIN, GASPING FOR BREATH.
ROBIN: Good grief woman, you're chuffing like a steam engine! Don't tell me you ran all the way here from Kilburn.
BASH: (BREATHLESS) No, just up from the bus. I was at Mass, it ran longer than I was expecting.
ROBIN: Mm. Double length Easter Sunday special, was it? That's one thing Quakers have over the rest of you - we're far stricter on our time limits. God's got one hour to get his call through and if he misses his slot, he can wait til next week.
BASH: Any sign of him?
ROBIN: God?
BASH: The suspect.
ROBIN: Oh! No, nothing yet. I'm rather glad, to be honest - I didn't much like the idea of arriving after him.
BASH: Mm. Would be a bit lying-in-wait-ish, wouldn't it?
ROBIN: Precisely. I'd always rather be the one in wait, given the choice.
BASH: (BEAT) We're safe though...?
ROBIN: Oh! No, no, as houses. Look, over by the W.H. Smith's. Our little guardian angel.
BASH: Where? Oh! Constable Edwards! Didn't recognise her without the uniform.
ROBIN: No, it's quite the transformation.
BIG BEN CHIMES THE QUARTER HOUR IN THE DISTANCE.
BASH: Quarter past. He should be here soon.
ROBIN: Nothing for it but to wait.
SCENE 8
SCOTLAND YARD, CID OFFICES. NICHOLAS COMES OUT OF HIS OFFICE.
NICHOLAS: Sergeant Caulfield, have you heard-
CAULFIELD: No, sir. I will tell you if she phones.
NICHOLAS: No, I-I know. I know. Of course you will. (BEAT) But, what if something goes wrong? She might not be safe...
CAULFIELD: (BORED) So call it off.
NICHOLAS: Oh, I don't want to undermine her...
CAULFIELD: (THE EXACT SAME TONE OF VOICE) So don't call it off.
NICHOLAS: Maybe I should pop down there.
CAULFIELD: Or maybe you should stop treating Detective Constable Edwards with kid gloves and let her show for herself whether or not she's cut out for this job.
NICHOLAS: (SHARPLY) She's cut out for it, Sergeant. This is a dangerous situation, that's all.
CAULFIELD: Of course, sir.
NICHOLAS HUFFS. A LONG PAUSE.
NICHOLAS: I'm going to go down there.
CAULFIELD: Inspector Hawthorn! She will phone when she's done. Until then, I suggest you have a cup of tea and enjoy having a bit of peace and quiet for once.
NICHOLAS: Aye.... Aye, you're right. (BEAT) Milk, no sugar.
CAULFIELD: What? No, I-I wasn't-
NICHOLAS: Thanks.
NICHOLAS GOES BACK INTO HIS OFFICE AND SHUTS HIS DOOR. CAULFIELD SIGHS
SCENE 9
VICTORIA STATION. ROBIN AND BASH ARE SIMULTANEOUSLY HORRIBLY NERVOUS AND BORED STIFF.
BASH: ...something beginning with O.
ROBIN: O... Old man?
BASH: Nope.
ROBIN: Old woman?
BASH: No. One word.
ROBIN: O... O... Ovaltine? Opiate? Ogre?
PAUSE.
BASH: I'm not sure you've really grasped the principle of this game, Robin.
THE CLOCK STRIKES NOON.
BASH: I don't think he's coming.
ROBIN: It's early yet.
BASH: He's half an hour late!
ROBIN: Half an hour is hardly "late". It's borderline at best. Yes, technically speaking the time of our appointment has passed, but not so severely that we need abandon all hope. If we were hosting a party, he'd still be considered early!
BASH: I've never turned up to a party half an hour late and been told I was early.
ROBIN: I say this with every ounce of affection I can muster, my dear, but would you say you go to a lot of parties?
BASH: (LOUDLY) I spy with my little eye, something beginning with-
ROBIN: (URGNT) EBash. Is that... I think that might be him. By the stairs, looking about.
BASH: Oh! Yes, I see him. Do we... D-Do we wave or...?
ROBIN: No. No, he's spotted us.
HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH, STEADYING HIMSELF.
ROBIN: Here we go.
APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS.
ROBIN: Hello-
THE FOOTSTEPS RECEDE.
ROBIN: Oh. (LAUGHING) Well, so much for that! Is it dreadful that I'm actually rather relieved? Perhaps I'm not cut out for this.
BASH: (NOT LAUGHING) He's making for Edwards.
ROBIN: What? Oh, crumbs! What do we do?
BASH: I don't know! Stop him?
ROBIN: He's six foot if he's an inch - what do you want me to do, bite his ankles?!
BASH: Edwards hasn't seen him!
ROBIN: Oh, God, where's Nicholas when you need him? Big lumbering idiot!
BASH: Come on!
THEY RUSH OFF TOWARDS EDWARDS AND THE MYSTERY MAN
THEME MUSIC PLAYS
H.R. OWEN: The Lion and the Adder is a Monstrous Productions podcast created by H.R. Owen.
Episode 5 starred, in order of appearance: Paul Warren as Nicholas Hawthorn; H.R. Owen as Robin Sylvester; Ben Chandler as the Judge; Sonia Himalaya as Mrs Buckley; AMC as Constable Edwards; Gareth Murden as Father Priestly; Eric Mok as George Gladwell; Rebekah McLoughlin as Malcolm; Rhys Lawton as Puddle; Méabh de Brún as Evelyn 'Bash' Sebastian; and Michael McGeachin as Sergeant Caulfield, with additional voices from Karim Kronfli, Rebecca Tanwen, Erika Sanderson and Ruth Urqhart.
It was written by H.R. Owen, script edited and directed by Sophie B., and sound designed by Eira Major.
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